Inspiration

Been Forever...

2011-08-21T08:28:00.000-07:00

"Finding my inner beauty"

So...I haven't updated or blogged for awhile now. Almost approximately 4 months to be exact. It felt like it's been longer. I haven't been feeling up to blogging in those past 4 months but now that today is the day before I start college, I want to be able to talk about my feelings towards everything and what I've been up to lately. So I'm officially nervous as hell and I've been nervous since yesterday morning ever since I woke up. No one's nerve-wrecking feeling is as worse as mine. I get horribly nervous when events like this come up in my life. But I'll do whatever it takes for me to start this new journey, fresh and happy.

I've kinda realized something today ... well okay maybe not exactly today but it's always been bothering me in the back of my mind sometimes. For a person like me who's gone through so much backstabbing and rejections by guys throughout my life because I'm "not good looking enough", we tend to dwell upon this question a lot. ..."Why are good looking people so hard to get? Or even get along with for that matter?" Obviously this question doesn't apply to everyone because not every guy is a shallow douchebag and not every gorgeous or pretty looking girl is a rude bitch. But I've actually found it sooo hard for me to get along with the most pretty looking girls, and most of it is because either girls revolve themselves around jealousy or the fact that we have major differences, even though that doesn't mean we still can't talk...right? It's so confusing.

Then lets go to the guys... like seriously? I'm pretty sure and positive that EVERY single girl in this world has fallen or really liked a super good looking guy and have always wanted them to be their bf because to them, that guy is like ...almost literally their dream guy. But hey, they are so fucking hard to get because --in my experiences, we hardly have anything in common, something "worth" wanting or something we really want is never easy to get (this actually is a valid reason just in general not just certain experiences), some of them are douchebags who just want a good looking, sexy girl that matches their taste, their personality sucks... or they are just HARD to get!! <-- When girls say that, it really does hurt them sometimes, but hey, life is gonna always be unfair and people will always have their own preferences. I just really hate guys that don't date girls "out of their league" ...That is so shallow. I'm sure that if this world ever got a chance to be able to build robot boyfriends or girlfriends perhaps...in the future, like in Absolute Boyfriend/Zettai Kareshi...then I'm sure a lot of people would actually take certain measures and take that risk lol.

It's not always easy finding love you know...

Peace<3

Past, Present, Future

2011-04-29T16:32:00.000-07:00

"The Power of Grace & Beauty"

I'm back....It's about time right? Well...I'm living a better life now...recently. Gotta start focusing on more important things...

It's time to get my life back on track.

Am I....Beautiful?

2011-03-02T14:55:00.000-08:00

"Just wanna feel beautiful...for once"

As much as I don't wanna sound like an attention seeking whore...I'm pretty desperate. But it's not like the kind of desperate where you'd do anything just to get what you want, because that desperate is just too desperate. Never have I been noticed in a big crowd for my looks...and the reason I really want my chance on prom night is because...I feel that I deserve it...for once...I don't care if it's just for 20 minutes...I want the attention and I want people to notice me...for once...My self esteem has pretty much left me 2 years ago and it hardly ever came back...

But it's alright if I don't get it...because...

maybe I will later on? But come on, this is my last year and I want to just feel special and not feel singled out...

Please...just once...

Failure.

2011-01-22T09:36:00.000-08:00

"Internally bleeding"

Why do I keep feeling like I'm going to fail? I get way too nervous when I present...how is this going to get better? I really wish there was a remedy for this...I JUST WANT TO DO MY BEST.

where has all of my motivation gone?

The Curse

2011-01-16T15:31:00.000-08:00

"You don't know what you're missing out on..."

To all those people who have hurt me, or want to hurt me....you don't know what you're up against. Do it. Because it won't make you any better than I am. Judge me? Won't get you any further than where I am. Just because I don't excel in everything I do in school, doesn't mean I'm not smart.

Truly...I do want to become a better person. I just don't know what kind of affect college is going to have on me. I hope not negativity but I just don't know how much longer my parents are going to keep acting this way. Where is the encouragement? Don't pressure me. Surely, I know I am cursed.

I want to be successful.

There's just too much to think about and so many possibilities out there...so many of them that people don't even consider thinking about.

Piece of Shit Life

2011-01-07T14:16:00.000-08:00

"Quit treating me like a child"

Is life treating me like a child? Or am I just simply beating myself down slowly and not realizing it? Whatever it is...it needs to stop. I can't stand all of this BS that I have to deal with everyday anymore, I just can't wait to graduate and leave this school once and for all. Although...I will miss a certain person. I have a feeling I'll be going through a lot more once I graduate than what I am going through now. Being a full time student in college isn't gonna be the best thing ever. Damn I sure I wish I was more ready for college. But in any case, I'll have to be ready for it anyway.

Med school...........

Not For Me.

2010-12-21T10:18:00.000-08:00

"Minding my own business from now on"

Just Be Quiet

2010-12-19T09:57:00.000-08:00

"Sometimes, your anger just makes me even more mad"

So when I say that all guys can be dicks, that includes your own dad sometimes too. Sheesh, he pisses me off so much at times. Whenever he does, I don't even have the appetite to eat anymore!!! Everything I eat after & during whenever he pisses me off I just can't freakin' eat anymore! It tastes disgusting!!!

He always thinks he's right, and then he always assumes that I'm always saying he's wrong when I never even said that, he needs to stop putting words in my mouth!! Hey, we're all humans we all can be wrong, I can be right sometimes too. Damn.

He needs to back off sometimes.

Betrayed.

2010-12-17T13:26:00.000-08:00

"Falling apart, Never been betrayed this much"

Never have I felt so betrayed in my entire life.

All my friends are such liars.

Were my friends.

How's University Life?

2010-12-15T15:23:00.000-08:00

"I'll avenge myself"

The DSI competition has completely crushed all of my hopes and dreams. I still get haunted about it every now and then. It helps remind me of how much of a failure I was and how biased the university is. I don't even wanna go there anymore. I'll sound like a chicken if I refuse to go. I'm going there no matter what.

But the thing is, have they even read the survey that all of the students filled out before the students left, over the competition? I doubt it. They said they were going to consider reading at the recommendation letters and our entire packet to help them pick the finalists. I doubt they did that, because from how I know and see it, they just picked the people with the highest scores at the end of the day. So they lied.

I'm sure that at least 1/3 of the participants within the competition have put down the survey that they DID NOT feel that the competition was not fair, nor was it able to show off their skills, intelligence, capabilities and potential. You can't judge us in one day, especially what they had in store for us.

Honestly, I'm going to straight out say that that competition was dumb and the activities along with it were dumb as well.

& even I feel that typing about all this krap on my blog is a waste of my time, but I wanna express how I feel since I have time right now. I should be looking for other scholarships since the university won't offer me any money, soooo it's whatever. Everytime I even try to look at my email, I see stuff about scholarships and it just pisses me off. Like no one has ever pissed me off before. I hate it. Because I think back of how I failed the competition, and if I'm not good enough for that to even earn $10,000, I then start doubting myself and doubting what I'm capable of doing!

So let me start:

With the first activity, we were split into different classrooms and there were about 7-8 people in each classroom. There's 3 judges and they're supposed to be asking you questions and they'll score you as to how you answer them. Although, there are rules. We CANNOT repeat/say what people before you have already said, and we got 2 minutes to answer the question. Which (I think) included thinking time.

So the judges asked us different questions like: What are the qualities of a leadership? What do you think it takes to be a leader? ETC ETC.

& we answered in a certain order, and it was every other person.

So when the first question was asked, the first girl HAD 2 minutes to write down all of her thoughts. Later the following week, I was thinking to myself "How the hell did she get about 5 minutes to answer the damn question?" Unfair #1.

She then answered after writing all of her thoughts down for 2 minutes straight, and then said ALL of the things that I had in MY mind, so then I had to quickly think of other possible answers and explain those as well since I was next. Therefore, since I could not repeat all of the things she said, I only listed 2. Unfair #2.

(AND SHE WAS THE ONE THAT COUNTERED MY ANSWER & ALSO GAVE ME A DIRTY LOOK. WHAT THE HELL. HOW IMMATURE. HOW CAN YOU HAND SOMEONE LIKE THAT 10,000 BUCKS?!? You TRAZY)

With the 2nd activity, it was the same with the amount of people and the classrooms. Except this time, it was a group activity and we were all to discuss about the U.S. Government? <-- (What? Why?) It would've been easier if we talked about something else rather than politics. :/ Freakin' Americans and their politics.

But anyway, yeah, the 3-4 judges this time, just look at you and watch to see how you participate within the group and how you communicate and react & judge you from there.

FAIL. The topic was WAY too general to go into anymore detail, all the stuff I wanted to say was what everyone had already kept saying or said. Unfair #3.

And then afterwards, ....there were some people who kept going around shaking hands with the judges and other people including me...and I was like thinking in my head "If you really think this is going to get you $10,000 bucks then you're wrong, because once you do it, everyone can stand up and do the same damn thing you're doing so I guess that means we get 10,000 bucks too. I'm just trying to be reasonable like you."

Hahahahaha, but nope, I didn't stand up to shake hands with anyone because I thought the ENTIRE THING was BS. If I could point out flaws of this competition there would be MANY MANY things. I notice the flaws in everyone and in everything. Maybe not all of the flaws but I can see a lot.

I thought the competition was even more ridiculous when the writing activity we had to do was over how we showed leadership qualities in our group activity (2nd activity).

-RETAKE- If I was in charge of this competition, I would've made the writing essay: "Why do you think you deserve this scholarship?"

FAIL #2.

What the hell are we supposed to say when everyone else is doing the same freakin' thing? I would've had so much more to say if the question wasn't so dumb.

Do you really think you have improved DSI? Just changing top 25 to top 50 for the semi-finals doesn't change or do anything. All I can say is that you made sucha big mistake not recognizing such other great students from my school. Our high school is one of the top high schools in Wichita, you should know that. We all have bright and smart kids, which is what your university wants, but I guess not anymore. Sending out 310 letters in the mail? Yeah that's some great leadership quality right there. We don't wanna kill anymore trees then we already have. You send us letters in the mail saying 'congrats for making it this far' and most of us will say 'congrats for wasting our time' Also, stop trying to bribe us with your lame deals "graduate early and we'll give you this and that" omg get a life, we all have lives, and we worked hella hard to make it to DSI and participate in it and all we got was a freakin' letter in the mail, reminding us that we failed, and that if we graduate early, they'll give us money, WTH it's COLLEGE, don't do that bribing shit. & they said that based upon our grades and academic achievement they'll consider offering us money, when is that going to be? After we graduate from college? We'll see about that. They're starting to sound like some lying cheap-ass rip-ff advertisers on TV. It's pissing me off. I should be enjoying my senior year, but yet some college goes and ruins it for me.

Corrupted University.

2010-12-12T15:21:00.000-08:00

"Booooo! Bitchesss!!"

Sooooo.... I honestly think the university I'm about to go to is definitely corrupted. If you're gonna be handing out scholarship money to the rich....then you're definitely corrupted. If you're not gonna be handing me money then I definitely lost interest in going to your university. Indeed.

I'm working extra hard this weekend.

Hoping that it'll pay off.

I'm gonna go crazy if it doesn't.

I totally imagined a person...who recognizes my talent, capabilities, skills, and intelligence and gave me money for college.

I should have NEVER imagined that, because now it will NEVER happen.

I hate myself.

Distraught.

2010-12-11T11:03:00.000-08:00

"Searching for the right & non-reckless path"

I wanna find my way to success. But the right way, not reckless. I guess the only one to blame for all the recklessness is me. Although, it's just the fact that I'm so stubborn to even understand that I can't always get what I want and that things worth getting aren't easily achieved. Where has my effort gone? I have the inspiration and the motivation, but it seems like things are always in the way. Either it's a guy, random school-work, competition, or my nervousness. That is ONE BIG PROBLEM I need to get rid of the most.

I got so nervous during DSI that I failed it miserably. I know I could do so much better. I know one of my weaknesses now. Being nervous. Also another one is that things that you can't be prepared for. :/ Honestly, I'm still human. I need to learn how to cope with these things.

I feel hopeless and worthless right now and I just don't know what to do.

I want someone to help me find a way out of all of this mess. Help me bring bravery, and courage.

Worthless.

2010-12-10T16:14:00.000-08:00

"Slowly dying and drifting away"

As matters have ALREADY been bad, it's been getting worse. Just as I expected. This might be the calling. I just don't know, but I'm crying. It hurts so much to know that everything I'm trying to do right now to make everything right, JUST ISN'T WORKING. Every road I take there's a dead end with an obstacle. It's a worthless path. Just like how worthless I am.

Why is this world so cruel to me?

The Possible Calling

2010-12-08T13:43:00.000-08:00

"Everyone is making the attempt to shatter me"

Not even half of my hard work or effort is noticed by many teachers. & well, it hurts. & what the heck was up with my assistant principal deleting me offa facebook? I didn't do shit. Seriously. It's like nowadays, people are expecting so much from me. Could this be my calling? The calling to help me get started now so that I can prove to people what I'm capable of doing? I don't even know anymore, the closer I'm getting to graduation, the more nervous I'm getting. Project's fair & my choir concert are tomorrow...I'll probably get real nervous. I just hope I do well.

Your Pants Suck

2010-12-05T20:15:00.000-08:00

"I could explain the world's ignorance if you wanted me to"

Dear Miley,

Not everyone has legs like yours, so please stop designing clothes that only fit your type/size. I had to jump a size or 2 just to fit into your damn jeans. They're not even skinnies, they're just the slim straight pants. One of them, the zipper broke sooo the zipper keeps falling down, (wouldn't be surprised knowing you might where you pants that way too), AND the other, ...It squeezes but my and my upper thighs a bit too much. I got curves. Thanks!

>____<

&& also, I just wanted to say that I hate running into racist people on youtube who think white women are the only prettiest/best things alive on earth...they're not. Each race has their own beauty okay? SHEESH. & stop saying all Asian women got plastic surgery, ya'll know you're just saying that b/c you're just trying to hide the fact that you know they're fuckin' gorgeous and most CAN BE, or yet, even more than other races :/ (MY OPINION) .....plus even with surgery they STILL look better and still natural xDDD

If America and other places in the world were filled with girls like these...maybe people & our world will lighten up a bit more, esp. with their/our bright & cute fobby personalities!

The Hatred Grows Stronger

2010-12-05T09:57:00.000-08:00

"Don't blame me since you're the mostly the reason I am like this"

I hate my dad sometimes. It's because of his anger, and his bad attitude. & he says that I'm the one who has the bad attitude? Psssshhh chyea right. Has he ever considered that I could've possibly got it from him? I thought so. I'm tired of his BS. He makes me just wanna slap some sense into him sometimes. He pisses me off at times when I'm either in the worst mood ever or in the best/good mood. Sometimes I just wish I could leave this house along with all of my belongings and fly into a world I wanna be in, where I'm accepted and where non of the BS I get here, happens.

I hate running into things like this at a time when I'm super busy trying to get scholarships and finish my schoolwork. I'm WAY to stressed out for scholarships right now....DSI nearly haunted me for weeks, even 'till now. I HATE FAILING. I know it's natural but this is way too much for me to handle. :/

Then the shit that's going on with my 'supposed' "best friend" he doesn't really show that he cares. So it's wtf ever. Only true friends stick by each other's sides. If he doesn't want to, then fine. Then we're not friends, obviously. It's not like I haven't tried. True friends don't let their friendship just slip by and act like it never happened, if he thinks there's somebody out there who's better than whatever, cuz I was always there for him whenever he needed me, we went through a lot of laughter and had plenty of good times but he just overlooked all of that. Therefore, if he can overlook all of that, he can overlook our friendship too.

This is my EXODUS.

___________________________________________________________________

Soooo, of course the results of the gore finalists HAD to be in the Eagle newspaper and my dad showed it to me yesterday. I'm so freakin' glad that chick who countered my answer didn't make it, but I still thought she didn't deserve 10,000 bucks, 'cause that's a lot of fuckin' money.

She was already wealthy, so she didn't even NEED it. ANYONE who can afford to go to an expensive religious private school can afford college. Fuck you. I hate rich people.

She was so snobby!!! UGH.

Life has always been the same, no happy endings, the evil person lives a healthy, extravagant life while the nice die soon from diseases or accidents!! People always say "just wait 'till karma" well you know what? I'm tired of waiting for karma to STILL hit those people who have done me wrong today, but NOTHING has happened to them yet!!!! How much longer do I have to wait? Till they die from old age?! >___<

Bad Memories

2010-12-02T04:00:00.000-08:00

"Wishing there is an 'easy way' out"

So...all of a sudden, the bad memories came back. Of the competition of course. Still, I think it is utterly the most absurdly ridiculous competition ever. It was very biased and unfair.

Anyway, I wanted to say a few things. Well weeks ago, we had a survey to fill out about school and scholarships in general. One of the questions asked "Do you think scholarships should be available and awarded to only those who have good grades?" something along those lines, and I said yeah. But my friend completely disagrees. The reason why I said I agreed to that is because:

1. People who do good in school DESERVE the money over the ones who are failing.

2. It's their responsibility to keep their grades up in the first place, if they're not doing their work, then what makes them think they deserve scholarship money?

3. I've seen poor people, and people who suffer in their lives from certain conditions STILL make good grades, so don't use that as an excuse. (It happens all the time in Asia)

4. Saying everyone should have a chance to win scholarship money is like saying that everyone or most deserve or should get a chance to win the lottery and get the thousand or million dollar prize when they don't, there are many conditions and circumstances in this world where not everyone should get a chance for everything because you wouldn't know what they would do with the advantage and whether or not if they truly deserve it.

5. Only offering scholarships to people in school with good grades will make an impact and influence those who do not do well to have them work harder and strive towards good grades in order to get offered scholarships.

That is my opinion. Whether you like it or not :)

You No Longer Exist

2010-11-23T11:37:00.000-08:00

"Who are you to judge me and say what I am or what I am not"

She could rust, and bleed to death in hell.

This is not the path I was expecting or wanting to go towards.

But of course you always got obstacles in front of you whether you like it or not.

If my friends don't realize that I'm one of the best friends that they can ever get,

it's their loss.

Till the end.

2010-11-22T18:50:00.000-08:00

"Must FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT, 'till the end~"

I'm not giving up now. Not so soon like this. Unless my life ends soon, I shouldn't be worried or concerned about my obstacles. I need to strive. Let's do this. Let's do this for me and for the best outcomes in the future!!!

FIGHTING!!!!~

_________________________________

I'm also gonna play one game ahead of itunes from now on,

I'll be downloading all of my music and put it into my big hard-drive and store music onto there.

Fuckin' itunes destroyed and got rid of all my music.

Then there's this stupid bug.

First, I need to get rid- well finish all of my schoolwork and krap first. THEN shall we continue with this iTunes.

Killing My Pride

2010-11-17T06:16:00.000-08:00

STOP TRYING TO DO THIS TO ME.

I HATE THIS SO MUCH.

________________________________

I swear this is killing me.

I'm all alone in this cold world.

I'm just waiting for that dreadful letter in the mailbox.

I KNOW I did not qualify to advance for DSI.

Shit.

I got the letter.

Fuck you WSU.

_____________________________________

^ Thanks for killing my pride, hopes, and dreams, WSU.

You don't know how happy I'd be if some freakin' school would just give me money just for acknowledging the fact that I do good in school, or even just participating in their competition.

I need Lady Luck on my side.

_________________________________________________

On the other hand....

I've always wanted to say to a guy "I'll make you fall in love with me" dramatically, like in an asian drama with dramatic music in the background. LOL.

Dragon Powers Activate

2010-11-13T05:45:00.000-08:00

"Time to show what I got; Let the real battle commence"

It's time. & even though I have to be honest and really admit that I did not whatsoever put a lot of thought into this until last night. I guess it was because of how nervous I was since it was today. Also, it wasn't good for me to think about it early and have it stress me out and destroy my brain anyway, since I'm the kind of person who gets nervous and thinking pessimistically almost half of the times. I got to believe in myself, I got to do this for ME, my future, and for what's best. I gotta impress my parents and show everyone else what I'm capable of doing. If I win this competition....it will open up a door to many paths of opportunities I will be able to strive for because basically winning this will show me what my skills are, what I'm capable of doing, and my strengths and weaknesses so that I will be able to reach my goals in life.

Once I walk in, there's no turning back. Everyone there will be considered as competition EVEN when they're in the same group as me as well. Everyone wants the prize money. I'm not going to back down.

Me "failing" my ACT showed something :/

But I will figure that out later.

Right now, what's important is to get my mind cleared of everything!!!

& be prepared!

Dragon powers activate.

May the power of the longevity peach shine down on me.

&& May the poisonous snake bite me if I fail.

Things are Reversed.

2010-11-03T17:56:00.000-07:00

"Does he even need me? Or better question would be: Do I need him?"

Why oh why do I keep wasting my time with love? It's so ridiculous and it's part of the reason that's holding me back in fulfilling my dreams and reaching and accomplishing my goals. Wth am I gonna do...well for now, I'm just gonna let everything flow and not get bothered by any guys until I graduate. It won't be for awhile until I see him anyway.....UGH guys, guys, guys, guys, and GUYS I'm surrounded by so many that like me :/ WTF. I need to get my life straight. Somehow...some day...actually the sooner the better.

What kinda worries me is that ...I keep thinkin' he's foolin' with me...since there's so many other girls over where he lives...and he posted on a girl's wall and told her to hang out with him :/ Erghh..yes I am jealous....grrr...if only I lived over there or if he never moved AGH....I hope he's not trying to go after many girls at the same time....no doubt he'll be flirting and what not...but I should trust him right? ...Damn I know I have so many freakin trust issues because of past experiences and all the shit I had to go through...I should try to...but it's hard to when he hardly ever answers or replies to my texts nor does he talk to me often...so...I don't know...I'm trying to look on the brighter side of things....

Fuck them Haters

2010-11-03T13:46:00.000-07:00

"I wonder if hearing your voice will make me go crazy"

Soooo...obviously jealousy leads to hate and hate eventually leads to insanity >___< There's this chick who's best friends with a chick that is my ex-best friend, therefore we've had drama before, but anywayyy...she doesn't like me so she decided to be rude to me yesterday....and I was like wth? I'm not mean at all...seriously I'm probably one of the most easiest people to get along with :/

Even though I may sound like a bitch from reading this blog and stuff....but...this blog here is just to express how I feel and what kind of stuff I'm dealing with in my life. -sigh-

I miss him.

ML

2010-10-28T15:35:00.000-07:00

"He makes me feel like no other"

SOOOOO there's this guy....he's really cute....'cause I've nearly given up on the other guys :/

Although he lives in a different state....a state that I freakin' visited 2 years ago! GRRR. But he makes me happy by just ....thinkin' about him and the stuff he says :)

Jacking

2010-10-26T16:07:00.000-07:00

"I'll show you competition"

WTF IS THIS?! WHY IS THIS USER JACKIN AND COPYIN OFFA ME?!!?!?! I'm known for making ulzzang and celebrity videos with different themes in them...and now wtf...there's a user copying off of me WAT DA HELL. I'm pissed. It's WAR.

ACT...

2010-10-23T19:59:00.000-07:00

"I want it...I need it..."

So my lust for romance is going insane. TOTALLY INSANE. Sooo I also finished taking the ACT for the third time today....I think I did decently...I really don't think I went up though....The reading and the science section really screwed me up...It's funny how whenever I imagine myself doing good and better than others or just like getting a high score...it NEVER comes out that way....EVER. First time I took the test....I imagined myself getting a 30...but pshhhh I got it wayy lower than that...Not that bad though....Anyway, I should just stop imagining things like Oh Ha Ni in Playful Kiss (LOL, love that drama) and start worrying and thinking about what's really going to happen or...at least don't expect it too much just be prepared is all...but sad thing is...I always imagine like her no matter what...except she's lucky...considering her character in the drama...getting the most good looking and charming guy with a killer smile to marry her!!! UGH that would NEVER happen to me....I am definitely NOT that lucky AT ALL.

2 more days

2010-10-21T11:14:00.000-07:00

"Period of Hell"

AGH. omg so my right arm still hurts from the procedure done on Monday :/ BLEH but it was all worth it now that I got that thing removed. I decided to pick an anime icon this time because I'm currently in school and sorta don't wanna be searching through the net much just in case if my research advisor came over here so yeaaaah. Anyway I'm typing pretty quick right now to get it over with, I really don't feel like being in this class and wish I could go to my best friend's class to talk and hang out ...Art makes everything so much better...how we feel...relieve our stress. ETC ETC.

People need to stop walking by and taking a 'peek' at my screen -___-

All I wanna do is draw, paint, do ceramics while listening to my asian music. Gawd this is sucha drag. Senior year....scholarships...competition...schoolwork....research....I can't wait to graduate and get out ...but I'm not ready for college yet...

Every time I think or hear about college I get a bit intimidated and scared...when I shouldn't be...cuz I'd kinda have more freedom...but we'll see =/ I wanna see my friend that lives in Florida right now 0_0 ...I really miss him grahhhh. ERGH college...I have a feeling it's gonna be really stressful.

&& about the whole competition....in November grrrr!!! I GOTTA DO THIS!!!!

But 2 more days till I retake the ACT for the 3rd time and hopefully my score goes up. Gotta practice hopefully tonight and tomorrow night. Can't believe I'm doing this at the last minute wtf. I always do this,...this time it's not my fault because I have a KRAP load to do....SO NOW it's time to stop worrying and caring about nonsense and useless stuff!!! I'm typing more and pouring out my emotions today because I haven't blogged in a LONG time...well properly anyway...cuz they're all so short and to the point.

Tomorrow the guest will be here to talk about the competition and hopefully I'll get some good advices and put it to use. Hopefully I'm able to do that. && wow...I just noticed something real weird...I can focus more on typing and doing work WITH kpop music in the background AT SCHOOL...but not really at home because I have the tendency to stand up and dance to it when I'm at home lmao 0___0 anyway enough nonsense...I really wanna leave this classs ERRRRGHHHH!!!

Send me a guardian angel to watch over me to give me the strength to go through all of this and make it. I want the money. I need it to prove that I'm capable of doing something in my life and with my life.

My 2nd Final Chance....

2010-10-19T15:51:00.000-07:00

"Dead on the inside"

Now's the time that I really need to prove myself. So much stress, so much pressure, so much competition. When I get competitive, I turn into a conceited bitch. No joke. It's like the Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon side of me!!! lol. >_< It can get real serious. If I don't win anything, almost all of my hopes would be lost :/ no joke about that part either.

After finding out what my ACT score was today for the practice one I took last week,....SO DISAPPOINTED. I felt that I did really well. T_T backfired. Big time. Karma's a bitch. My real test is this saturday, so therefore...I can't go to a birthday party this friday....boo...I hope she won't be mad or upset with me =/ she has an 'odd' personality...that's why I said that. lol....

Just gotta get my act together...I need my motivation, find the inspiration, and do my best.

Painful part of Senior Yr

2010-10-15T06:44:00.000-07:00

"Let's go through this stress as if it were nothing"

RAWWWRRR GRAAAHHH!!! SO STRESSFUL! I have soooo much krap to do for school and scholarships Dx!!! I HATE THIS URGH! I'm battling for competition, battling for the money, battling for the best!!! I hate how I haven't been updating as much anymore :/ Freakin' school always gets in the way so whateverrrrr.

Who knew this part of my life would be so stressful, at least I still got a few people that care about me. ....MY FAMILY.

Kpop is my life

2010-10-09T10:34:00.000-07:00

"It's official: Kpop revolves around my life"

Anything asian revolves around my life really....except for the asian people I don't like in general and cannot get along with.

Why would you do this?

2010-10-08T12:59:00.000-07:00

"She doesn't deserve this"

You know what? Fuck cessna. Fuck America and it's shit ass economy. I'm so freakin' pissed off and sad right now. My life is gonna be changing so much now that my mom is laid off. I'm not gonna like this I'm not gonna get used to this at all, I wanna kill everyone at cessna. TAKE. MY. MOM. BACK.

Separation

2010-10-01T16:35:00.000-07:00

"I like how I hide & lie about the way I feel"

There must be some kind of irony in this or something. In my life, I mean. I get all the good luck, then all the bad luck comes. Am I really your best friend? Am I really someone you care about? I'm not gonna hold myself back for people who really don't care :/ After high school, these people are going to mean nothing to me, I'll be moving on to bigger and better things hopefully.

I hate stupid bitches that get in the way or try to get in the way to ruin things.

They need to go die.

Pressure.

2010-09-29T16:48:00.000-07:00

"For me & only me"

Scholarships....gag...it's like trying to win the lottery. 'Cept you have to try and do it with extra hard work and you have to think >__< I haven't updated like I used to. Guess it's because I've been busy and there isn't much to update about, I don't wanna have to keep updating on useless stuff and I mostly just repeat myself half of the times lol.

I wanna bleach my hair this time, last time I only dyed it, and that was like 4-5 months ago, and now my roots are growing back in. I kinda want the redish brown color...or golden brown with a hint of auburn. Ehhh I'll just see what I can do. I just wouldn't know what to do if my roots grew back so fast lol. Which they already do T___T

SCHOOLWORK, FRIENDSHIP 'DRAMA', SCHOLARSHIPS, LOVE-LIFE.

Everything sucks right now, although today was a pretty good day overall. I was quite hyper and happy.

**sigh** I don't know if he's still interested in me or not. I guess we'll just see...I wanna go see a movie with him asap...My parents and schoolwork gets in the way though, movies usually don't take that long :/ I guess it'd be fine in 3 weeks. Er 2 my bad. lol. When I get that 4-day weekend again.

Well ...wish me luck?

Haven't Updated!

2010-09-23T16:56:00.000-07:00

"What does it mean to you?"

WELL. I know I haven't updated in awhile. Ehh I've been stressing out so much lately esp about college...it seems like I'm NOT gonna get anymore freedom than I am now (which is hardly any freedom at all) I feel like I'm gonna be studying constantly no time for romance, asian drama's, kpop, friends or any of that good stuff!!!!! GRAHHH!!!! UGHH!!! WHY?!?!?!

I think I'ma hate college :/

Broken Reality

2010-09-17T17:49:00.000-07:00

"What I'm seeing right now is just an image of you holding in deep secrets"

So I was right. He was still into her...he still loves her. Isn't this supposed to be a good thing for me? I just feel like I'm the 'rebound' or whatever you freakin' call it. He obviously still couldn't get over her and leave her behind or just simply let it go because he still cares and loves her too much.

GOD DAMMIT.

I feel like a pathetic failure.

My Biggest Weakness

2010-09-16T13:52:00.000-07:00

"My biggest weakness is not the biggest concern"

I should stop caring. Starting now, since my life is already trapped in it's own cage.

I wanna see the world but I'm afraid that that will not happen any longer. :/ If ...my parents had passed away...I don't know if I'd still be going towards the medical field honestly. I'm smart for it...but I don't know if I have a passion for it. The other thing...concerning my biggest weakness. I should just stop.

Fallen Victim to the She-Devil

2010-09-15T03:54:00.000-07:00

"People are being blindly fooled"

Everyone thinks she's all good, nice, sweet, funny, loving, caring. She's just another fake image of me, basically. Playing with us fooling with us, the foul-bitch-play as I told my best friend yesterday. How can everyone fall for that shit? She's coming back to hurt me again and I'm the victim...I'm always the victim, then she makes everyone else think that she's the victim.

I wanna back hand her so bad.

Disgrace!

2010-09-13T16:40:00.000-07:00

"Don't be sucha disgrace if you're 'going to be' a 'fan'..."

UGH this Crabapple chick...yes I'm calling her that from now on...don't ask why that name but ...it was the first thing that popped into my head. I don't wanna use her real initials just in case someone found about my real identity and blah blah blah. DRAMA. SHE DONT KNOW NOTHIN! She made fun of the real live action movie of Death Note and said that it probably sucks when she hasn't even watched it!!! She's so judgemental!!! Maybe that's why she doesn't like meh 0_0 I didn't do shit. Anyway. If you're gonna be a real kpop fan, anime fan, jrock fan etc etc. RESPECT THE CULTURE, RESPECT EVERYTHING ABOUT IT. Fugly bitch. :/ <-- SORRY. Excuse my language. That felt good though :/

Allow me to explain though...so that there are no misunderstandings because I'm a VERY nice and caring person in reality, it's just that I cannot stand for people who say or think they like this stuff when they talk about it. Jpop, Kpop, Jrock, anime, their live actions movies, and korean and japanese dramas ALL taught me about many things in life and have been around me since I was a little kid and it made me who I am today and I do NOT appreciate her saying shit like that on someone's wall on fuckin' facebook. I wanna shoot her. [I laughed when i said that :/] shameful.

ANYWAY. Asian culture has been revolved around me ever since I was a little kid and never have I left it. She should just go back to American stuff and her OWN culture.

NEVER should one judge without knowing a person first, or try to watch it first....badly worded...sorry, it just depends on what you're talking about xD

Won't Win.

2010-09-10T11:46:00.000-07:00

"I will not win"

I'm staying strong, and I'll do the best I can to reach to the top and try to win, but it seems like I won't :/

I'm in class right now and everyone is already starting on their own experiments and collecting data and information while I'm here TRYING to read stuff that I need to be reading right now -___- Don't judge me, everyone procrastinates. Then I'm also pressured and stressed out by the whole scholarship competition and stuff. I just ....wanna prove to my parents that I'm good...I need this for my freedom, I need to set this whole thing straight.

What is this I feel...

2010-09-09T15:21:00.000-07:00

"It hit me like a strong wind"

I hate how I don't update for like 3 days in a row and then when this one certain day comes, I update twice in one day :/

ANYWAY. I'm not gonna give up now....for some reason...there's this feeling inside of me...this strength and spirit that is pushing me and telling me not to give up because I start feeling all depressed, sad, and wanna give up, ...but whatever it is...it doesn't want me to back down or give up.

Keep going....keep pushing...

Holding in those tears ***

2010-09-09T13:57:00.000-07:00

"If I shed tears, these tears better bring me a big success"

I am so done with all of this BS. I knew everything is always too good to be true when it comes to me. I try not to give a fuck about those around me and just focus on what I do best, but all of this is coming down and it's trying to beat me down one by one...TOO much competition and YET "my mentor" is helping out other people and helping them as well. Why can't I find just ONE person who will be able to help me? JUST ME? If I had that person, I would TRULY have the inspiration and the motivation to be working my best and doing all that I can to make it into Med School. I just wanna find somebody that will ONLY be helping me throughout my life so that I can get into medical school! Just that one person, I'd be willing to sacrifice the time I hang with my friends, even if I don't find that person, ...I wanna at least win the project's fair and get scholarships over 1000 dollars!!! I'm not gonna let this go to waste...I'll do the best that I can...although I don't know what this feeling inside of me is....It just seems like this is not what I want...either i'm dissatisfied with how I feel at the moment...or just not satisfied with where all of this is going right now.

BASICALLY I JUST FEEL LIKE A FAILURE, A LOSER, WHO'S LOST ALL MOTIVATION and just left in the middle of nowhere with no way to get back home. :/

Everything is too good to be true...remember when I said I might've hit the jackpot? HA. Now they've just become apart of the world's lies.

Somebody help me and save me....

Say HUMPH

2010-09-08T19:13:00.000-07:00

"Show some attitude"

OKAY. Sooo....why the PHO am I still awake when I told ppl I was gonna be going to bed? WHATEVER. I'm tired of school omg...Idk how much longer I can keep this up....

How much longer will I be able to 'say humph' with attitude and love it like I used to?!

Down the Drain *******

2010-09-07T12:32:00.000-07:00

"I need it more than anyone"

I feel that I really need this more than anyone right now, NO ONE understands how much I need this opportunity in front of me. The thing is..am I destined? The only way to find out is if I actually make it :/ I have what it takes...I have the love, compassion, understanding, I love meeting new people, I like getting along with others, I work well with others. I have ALOT of expectations surrounding me, people who are expecting a lot from me right now, and people who doubt me, so I need to make it and have it in order to prove them wrong and show them what I am capable of.

...But in this case...it means I have to make a lot of sacrifices that I don't wanna make but will have to....leave all the friends I have now behind, leave all the talent and things I love behind...it's just so sad. I don't want to but I feel that it's necessary, after going on the tour and appointment I realized I will have so much to do it will be CRAZY.

I'm Losing It

2010-09-06T17:13:00.000-07:00

"Feeling lazy & stupid"

There's more to it than that. I just don't wanna waste my time talking about my feelings right now, I think I'm gonna go watch some asian horror in a second.

Kojitmal

2010-09-02T14:05:00.000-07:00

"Lies."

Well. I wanna cry now. I just don't know what to do. It doesn't feel like anything's changed. Everything seems forced, why am I so worried anyway. Whatever, I know I shouldn't care because we're better off as being friends anyway. SO WHY OH WHY DOES IT BOTHER ME SO MUCHHHHH!!!!

The Enemy Nearby & The Enemy Inside

2010-09-01T15:17:00.000-07:00

"Surpass the bad & evil, and you will be successful"

Fear her? Afraid not. For I only fear the obstacle and the mission and assigment that will be given to me only. I care a lot less about the others, while I know and should believe in myself for doing this and not caring about how good or bad others are & should strive for my best. I want this so bad, I want this to earn respect. I've lost so much respect, but it wasn't all my fault. :/ I have to do this no matter what. Be there or be square lmao. Ew I hate that saying. Anything with 'square' in it just makes it sound cheesy. Anyway....I can't back down now, too late to turn back, plus I got my parents who expect ALOT from me.

It's time.

Not yet

2010-08-31T15:24:00.000-07:00

"With an issue this big, it'll take some time for me to truly think it over"

Ahh....ottoke? ...I know we won't work out, so I shouldn't be expecting ..AT ALL. I know and I can tell in his heart that he hasn't let go yet...I think I can relate to him because with that one guy that I thought I really had loved...or actually loved but left me... it took me MANY months to get over him. I really like him so much, but I love him too much as a friend. It makes me sad whenever I think about it though, because I know that my path and my future will effect our friendship deeply...along with the connection that we have. I love him as a friend way too much to have anything get in between us. I should stop ...for now...until I truly know that he's let go of her and that he has moved on and if he shows his true feelings to me....I'm not gonna wait. All of this is sucha big mess that I just really have to think through deeply into all of this.

Suspicious Number

2010-08-28T18:53:00.000-07:00

"I am....intimidated?!"

Okay so after playing badminton and coming in because my mom forced my lil bro and I to come inside, she starts telling me about how this chick who was 14 yrs old got raped by 7 guys, and she told her bf which brought her bf to shoot the guy who raped her in his penis and so now he's in jail and they're still trying to find the other 5 or 6 guys and this all happened over in this one neighborhood NOT far away from where I live at all...THEN it got me all paranoid.

Then...it happened, I went to go check my phone afterwards and saw this number call me and noticed that it didn't have a name, only a number...so I KNEW it wasn't anybody under my contacts, I checked under my contacts to make sure but NO ONE with that number, so I texted the number with shaking hands and asked "who is this?" but NO response...Only a phone call back! I got so scared I rejected the call then heard nothing since...I hope this isn't a mean prank...Now I'm just hoping to go back to school safe and sound and then have a friend that I know come up to me and say "Ohh heyy! I tried calling you" but that's FREAKISHLY weird though because they could've at leasted texted me back! WTF Now I'm super paranoid. I just don't wanna DIE. Man.....

Please send a guardian angel to watch over me :(

Upset!

2010-08-26T14:07:00.000-07:00

"This is my one shot chance!"

I KNOW I can't give up now, but still! I was so freakin' disappointed after what happened today!!! Now my OWN mentor is gonna be helping out the other people in my class :/ WTF. I want this more than ever, I want this soooo bad, I want this more than anybody!!! This is my only chance, this is my one shot chance and I can't risk to screw up now! I thought he was only going to be helping me?!?! GAHHHH MY OWN MENTOR!! I was on the bus with tears! I was soo upset and disappointed, he kinda gave this other girl similar ideas to mine and gave her his contact LIKE WTH. AGHHH!!! MICHYEOSSEO. I think I'm gonna go crazy too!!! NO NO NO NO NOOO.

You Disgusting Skunk Bag

2010-08-25T15:35:00.000-07:00

"Words just cannot describe on how much I wanna punch your face"

OH. MY. GOD. She's fuckin' pissing me off so much right now :/ Okayy first off who does she think she is to send a naked picture of herself to ruin my relationship, THEN tell me that I shouldn't chase after the guy, THEN she goes chase after the boy herself. THEN fakes to pretend to care for me and asks what's wrong all the time, and comes to hug me just because I got some of the attention that she does not, and just to boost up her self-esteem and popularity. She then talks to the people I TALK TO...who are MY friends just to be more popular and so that people notice her more? Try to be all buddy buddy with my EX best friend and now she's tellin my sis that she misses her when she doesn't even know her the fuck that well.

THAT NASTY SHE-DEVIL DISGUSTS ME. I HOPE SOMETHING HAPPENS BECAUSE I DON'T KNOW HOW MUCH LONGER I'M GONNA PUT UP WITH THIS SHIT.

SICK OF IT.

Losing It

2010-08-24T16:14:00.000-07:00

"My strength is here...but where is the love, romance, & inspiration?"

I'm losing it. I'm losing it all. I wish I had it again. Something is obviously wrong with me and I wanna get cured. I wanna find a cure for this curse. I haven't made out with anybody for SOO long lmao...T___T nor have I kissed anybody for awhile....and now my lips are kinda wanting to get kissed lol..........MAN...........

The thing is...a man can distract you from school, but then again give you the inspiration for you to go on through each passing day. Anyway...I wish I had a V-line face :/ I want a pointy chin, rounder/bigger cheeks & a tall nose. GRAAAHH. This is hopeless, I'm hopeless, I feel like I'm just throwing away senior year...I SHOULDN'T THINK ABOUT THAT T______T

_____________________________________________________

GRAHH THE SHE-DEVIL BETTER NOT BE TALKING ABOUT ME!!! I've HAD ENOUGH OF HER!! LAY OFFA THE FRIENDSHIPS WITH ME AND OTHER PPL PLEASE. We all know you're popular but no need to act that way arraso?

I don't want a Delinquent

2010-08-23T15:17:00.000-07:00

"I was there once...now I've moved on"

Ugh, my ex tried adding me on fb again...I accepted it to see what the hell he wanted. I feel like a bitch acting this way, but he was a bad bf and he's so dumb. I gotta becareful not to fall for another delinquent, because I don't want one, nor a playboy. Enough about my ex. Let's talk about...NOW.

Sooo, the guy that I like that I'm still talking to....it feels like he's been hiding stuff from me :/ I just really feel it, I KNOW that he still has feelings for her, because it takes awhile for people to get over someone, and I KNEW how much she meant to him, there's no way in hell he's gonna get over things so fast, must've created so much memories together while they were over there T__T well him anyway. I don't wanna be fooled....I trust him a lot...and YEAH I KNOW I freakin' say that a lot and many times for many guys but seriously...there's just something about him...something no other guy BEFORE ever had...but anyway...even though as much as I show to care for him, it seems like it's no good, and doesn't do good at all...Ottoke? I don't know what to do...I feel like I'm just there, but as weird as how much I keep saying that, ....I CANNOT imagine us being together...AT ALL. Like ....I don't wanna ever date him because he's just THAT precious to me :( I don't wanna ruin our precious and beloved friendship....I adore him so much that I can't bring myself to date him...and yet I REALLY like him!! WTH! EXPLAIN THAT. I feel weiiirrrrdddd...I hope walking to WSU isn't that much of a pain in the ass though PAHAHAHA.

Where Is My Motivation

2010-08-21T14:41:00.000-07:00

"School tires me out & leaves a mark"

Ughhhh....I've been craving food, listening to music, looking through nonsense pictures, and been lazyyy. What else am I to do? lmao. I'm losing the motivation :/ How can senior year just turn around like this for people? Ughhh. Here I am once again complaining. Grrrrr.

Week 1 Done!

2010-08-20T16:15:00.000-07:00

"I'm on my own...on a LONG journey ahead"

MAN. Are you kidding me?! School has been going by SO slow. NOT FAST. What are people talking about?! Maybe...it's because I'm stressing out too much by thinking of scholarships, beating people, the project's fair, the multi-cultural fair, the talent show, BLAH BLAH BLAH omg. Wth am I to do? This is sooo much harder than I had imagined or thought...I KNOW that this is JUST the beginning...it WILL get harder :/ MAN bring it on!!! URGHH. Why can't they just give us scholarships by doing it the easy way? Some people don't have time for that T___T I mean, I'm not trying ot make up excuses so that I won't do it, cause I WILL but...I mean...why can't we have scholarships for winning or being placed in the project's fair? Why can't we get money JUST THEN for having a passing ACT score? Why do we have to do the complicated way, sign up shit, then actually work on a complicated assignment to actually GET the money? Whatever lol.

Another thing that's bothering me...is my mom. Does she really have to overdo things like this just for her first daughter? (Which is NOT me) I have a half sister... I know she didn't live a good life etc etc and I love her to death but....seriously mom? Geez I know you care about her feelings but then again, it kinda HITS me in tha face! First she tells me that I have to hide most of my shit in my room when my sister comes over here, so that she won't feel bad because she didn't/doesn't have all the stuff that I have, then after one day of changing her wallpaper for her with a pic of me and my lil bro she asks me to change it so that just in case if my sister saw it she wouldn't be sad wtf, THEN last but not least, she has to "lie" to my sister on the phone about me probably not being able to make it to medical school so that she won't feel bad also. WHAT KIND OF BS IS THAT?! YOU TELL ME. Idk but THAT hurt me...I'm not saying shit till I can't take it anymore and then I'ma bring up to my dad. I mean, don't you think she's overdoing it? I'm STILL her daughter...I know she cares about me and stuff, but she just has to accept the lifestyle that my little brother and I have now. What difference does it make? It's not like we can turn back time for her to fix everything so that EVERY child she has will live the same, exact, luxurious lifestyle! You just can't! It won't work that way.

Definitely...not looking forward to this!!!

I'm effed up.

2010-08-19T17:57:00.000-07:00

"I'll be hoping & wishing for the best, even if I have to close my eyes"

WELL. Looks like I'm not the smartest one anymore, lmao compared to her, I never was xD...but seriously though, I would count myself more creative and more artistic with more talent ability than her. So I got an advantage. LIKE BAM! School feels so lame right now, today was a pretty darn decent day, I actually liked it. Too bad I can't talk to him, and won't talk to him till later I guess. My dad forgot to charge his phone so he got cut off in the middle of talking to my mom so now I can't call him and talk to him about the Zoo on Saturday. SHIIEEET. I hope he lets me go though :/ I wanna go. Anyway...look upon a shooting star, let us all hope for the best together!

Senior Year Is Corrupted.

2010-08-18T15:43:00.000-07:00

"Leave me be, I'll always be like this"

I'm surely cursed. I'm always rejected in so many different ways in my life, and on so many different levels. It doesn't matter anymore, I'm not gonna care about anything anymore after I graduate, I just want this year over with, I'm not motivated anymore. I'm leaving my friends behind, especially the ones I have now. I have NO best friends. I feel like I'm being lied to constantly...Life is just a big lie, I don't even get to choose the path that I really wanna go...I'm still confused about life and I still don't know what I wanna do yet. I'm lucky as hell to be getting a mentor and help to get into medical school and everything. I don't know what to do anymore. My friends all feel just like they're there and are just dead liars. Who am I even kidding to claim these people as my best friends?? I feel so alone, independent, and so sad I wanna cry so bad but I'm holding in the tears because this is pointless to be crying over. Screw senior year, I'll just be alone and do stuff for my own good, getting my own scholarships, forget the rest. I'm done. My best friend...doesn't even seem like my best friend anymore, he's just there :/ Why am I paying him when he's my best friend? & when I'm one of his best friends? I hope I'm not the only one. Whatever.

Btw, have I mentioned that the assistant principle does not talk to me or say hi to me anymore? :/

I'm just so good at hiding the pain.

...."Wanting to wake up from this dreadful nightmare"

First day of Senior Year

2010-08-16T16:39:00.000-07:00

"Let's call it a 50/50"

SHIT. First day was kinda suckish, finds out I don't have any classes with my best friend, we were fuckin' disappointed when our schedules got all rearranged and shit. First class, loud, crazy like hell, and lots of ppl I don't like, it's like...I don't like the people on the other side of the room. Well most of them. My enemies are in my first class, WAY TO GO! *sarcasm* I'll be dealing with ppl I don't like early in the morning great wtf. 2nd and 3rd class was fun! I GOTS COMPLIMENTS :D :D :D So it was really fun, 2nd class was definitely fun, for 3rd I can't wait to work on my art stuff again. 4th class was ehhh it was alright, I like my teachers, I'm a tad bit unsure about the assistant principle 0___0

Ugh, tomorrow will feel like shit.

Tired as HELL

2010-08-14T10:46:00.000-07:00

"You make me worry about you"

For TWO nights in a row I've stayed up till 1-2AM in the morning and have been getting breakouts and the dark circles around my eyes are getting worse. Had to wear like 4 layers of makeup to cover that shit up. I wish I wasn't so cursed with dark circles, it's worse than I ever thought it'd be, it makes me sad. I'm not gonna stress about it though.

Well....2 more days until school :/ I love school, but then again I'm not really psyched about this year -___- I just wanna see and talk and hang with my best friends. Bleh. I haven't seen him in an entire month either. Last night was the most serious talk between us ever, I'm so glad I stopped holding back on asking him if he still had feelings for her, finds out that he's in pain right now because of her....I knew that he cared about her a lot ...but then he never meant to hurt me either, I told him that I really think he didn't deserve all of that, at some point I also felt like shit for not trying to understand him earlier and believe my guts on what I first believed was going on...Instead I kinda listened to other people and how I looked at it plainly on the outside, I overthought about it. It's not his fault, I KNOW that it's not his fault, I'm sure I know that he didn't do anything wrong. After all of this time I haven't looked down on him nor was I ever that mad at him...I couldn't stay mad at him...I had lots of hope in him.

Well enough with the sad talk, I'm gonna enjoy the last 2 days while I still have it 0__0 Gonna go see Karate Kid again today and it feels nice and peaceful not talkin to that dumb dude, he might get upset if I told him I went to go see that movie though LOL. I'm watching it for the 2nd time, I really recommend that movie, not just because I'ma fan of Jackie Chan but it WAS a good movie lol. (:

I miss you so much MBMK.

I'm abusing this

2010-08-12T12:56:00.000-07:00

"This is getting SAD annoying"

FREAKIN SHIT. It feels like I'm just abusing and using my blog just to make myself feel better...especially about myself!! WTF. Now I'm really not looking forward to school :/ Senior year's gonna be SHIT SHIT SHIT xinfinity! SHIIIIIT. I just wanna graduate and get ready for College! FREAKIN SHIT. I don't wanna see her damn face....that effin' she-devil. What the HELL am I supposed to do? I'm gonna get annoyed for like 10 months STRAIGHT. I need to watch more dramas to boost up my own self-esteem...I NEED A LONG BREAK. I wanna get outta this country shiiieeeettt. >___<

We are friends unconditionally..

2010-08-11T16:15:00.000-07:00

"Right now...I feel like the biggest failure on the face of this planet"

Tell me...what am I to do now? What should I do? I feel like I should just throw away all of this KPOP stuff...Basically asian stuff and the fantasies I've been having. Why can't I just live a normal life where not much is expected from me? I feel SO freakin' pressured..MORE THAN EVER. It's insane! I see my best friend soon making his way up to the top, he's already freakin' famous at school with his artwork and his dancing skills :/ Yet I'm still a nobody at the school...not gaining any attention for any of the successes I've done...I wanna do MORE than just this...What the hell am I supposed to do? I'm wanting fame more than EVER now...I guess I do want the attention that badly...it's just kinda embarassing when everyone around me is known and i'm like...THE unknown....WOW GREAT. Yeah I guess you can say a bit of jealousy plays a part in this too...Even the guy I like is amazingly popular for something....LOOKS WON'T GET ME ANYWHERE THIS TIME!! I'm hardly getting anywhere with my piano skills...My art...they're good but not GOOD ENOUGH! My knowledge and intelligence?! I'm still confused about that!!! It feels like I'm just not smart enough!!! IS THERE ANYTHING I CAN DO?!?!?! LIKE SERIOUSLY...I've NEVER been so lost in my entire fuckin' life!! There's nothing I feel like doing that will get me anywhere...it' frustrates me SOO MUCH. I'm just not good enough period :( I'm...not even good enough for you.....

I know we'll be friends unconditionally...but...that's as far as we'll go...

I'm Actually a Good Kid

2010-08-10T06:40:00.000-07:00

"I'm still your little girl"

Even though I may still rebel alot...I'm actually a good kid, my parents just don't realize that because they just look at evetything on the outside and based upon the actions I do, that's just who I am but it doesn't make me a bad person. Sure I'm still a bit slow on everything else, like maybe learning on how to do stuff more in order to be a good mother/wife later on in the future....BUT >__< I feel alot wiser after deleting the kid that doesn't care anymore, ...and the thing with the other guy...I guess I've REALLY pushed those feelings away because I don't feel like I did before anymore, I feel so much better and so much smarter now, lets just hope that that's true -___-

But here I am makin' a ton of sacrifices from hanging out with my friends, just to make my parents happy, when I don't even get influenced that easily by other people :/ I'm slowly losing all the freedom I have...and I don't even have a choice either T_T I'm just slowly losing it even though I'm growing older by each day...because each day I learn something new, esp on TV xDDD ANYWAY seriously..I just hope this is ALL worth it..I just hope that all the sacrifices I'm making right now....are TRULY worth my time and that I will get something good in return for EVERY sarcrifice that I make I just wanna get something in return, something GOOD, and for the better...because I'm growing old...not young...I won't have a chance to be young anymore, and will not have a good time with my friends like I used to ....once I get into Med school....I won't even have that much time to hang or go on vacation or WHATEVER.

Praying for me ...

The Maiden with the mystical Eyes **

2010-08-07T19:34:00.000-07:00

"I am...Miss Snowie-Holic"

You know those girls who eventually go crazy and start taking it out on other people when they are jealous & can't get what they want? Well....that's what's going to happen to me...........OVER A PAIR OF SEXY BOOTS D: .... LOL. What? You thought I was talking about a guy? Pshhh. But you know, I hate how people always doubt movies, soap operas, things on tv and especially asian dramas...those things reflect on what can actually happen in REAL life PEOPLE. Don't laugh at those things, because once you do, it'll happen to you :) So those who doubt and laugh at those things, they'll face those things. Damn...I want those boots.

Senior Year

2010-08-06T19:40:00.000-07:00

"My last year huh..."

My last year of high school & you can't even spare me??? Seriously? Ugh. Senior Year's gonna be a DICK. WHATEVER. I'm READY.

This Dude Drives Me Madly Insane

2010-08-06T16:23:00.000-07:00

"Don't doubt my smarts, douche"

UGH. Just how dumb can this guy get?! WTF. He says "Why can't people be happy?" I told him that that's like asking "Why is there no world peace?" Basically pointing out the obvious common sense that those are two things you can't control because this world works differently on different levels, and basically pointing out that that was a fuckin' retarded question. He always doubts what I say, and he said "no it's not" STFU, who's gone through more? ME. Who hasn't? YOU. DUHH. Just because he's older, doesn't make him any smarter than me. Experience counts more. Don't judge me dude. GAWD I swear he makes me just wanna rip out my hair every time I talk to him!!! Then I tell him my reasoning and he changes the damn subject! I was right, wasn't I? Douchebag. I HATE IT, I HATE IT THE MOST when people doubt my smarts I CANNOT go out with a guy like him because we'll be arguing till the next world war. DAMN. UGH. Makes me just wanna shoot myself in the mouth. THEN HE SAYS "UR POINT"?!?!?!?!? OMFGGGG SHOOOT HIM SOMEBODY DRIVE A SEMI AND RUN HIM OVER WHEN I GIVE YOU THE SIGNAL! OMFG.

Wth

2010-08-05T12:39:00.000-07:00

I should've denied his request.

But then that would've made me seem like a bitch.

I'm about to turn into one.

___________________________________

& throw her a welcome back party my ass.
No thanks, I'll pass.

She's Back ...

2010-08-05T10:44:00.000-07:00

"Why do I always have to deal with this mess?"

It's not just like a certain mess, but MESS as in PEOPLE. Ugh. I'm nice and I like people but sometimes people piss me off and it makes me hate people :/ EXPLAIN THAT. He sent me a friend request that I had found this morning...so supposedly he still cares :/ I knew he wasn't the type of guy who would just leave me to the side all in the dust by myself over on the darkside T___T But this mess still doesn't make sense. Btw, the shedevil is back. Anyway, I'm gonna be getting a new car later on this year, not gonna brag about it though, don't want people to hunt my car down and then try to destroy it somehow. Jealous people you know? You've seen it in movies. I hate bitches. LOL. Updates later.

Brains & Beauty ***

2010-08-03T19:55:00.000-07:00

"I got more brains than your average Harvard student"

LOL I'm totally kidding, I doubt that, I just meant as in when it comes more to common sense! Here's my theory that I talked to one of my best friends about: We agreed that people who have more of the creative side are considered more smart and have more common sense than a BOOK smart person because they always read after a book and learn things from a book (not that it's bad since sometimes you need to) Which is why I think that the people who are artistically creative and have an artistic talent cannot catch up as fast and as much as the Book smart people because they have more common sense which has already taken up like half of their brain as reserved for their artistic smarts :D That's who I am...ARTISTICALLY SMART AND CREATIVE. I'm still gonna be doing Arts so that half of my brain gets one of each xD I don't wanna lose all of the common sense that I have from being Artistically smart & creative...I gotta admit...Art and music (mostly asian music/kpop) has increased my knowledge along with Asian dramas lol especially when dealing with common sense and I dont' wanna throw all of that away for Book knowledge :/ That's a waste if you have talent and you're gonna throw it away. I KNOW I have talent. You see, we just got SO much common sense that most of the stuff we learn from books sometimes don't make sense to us much because we learn from our surroundings MORE rather than straight from books. Art and Music (which is also a form of art) helps you think more complex and outside the box rather than trying to learn and gain knowledge from something that's already there and is imprinted in front of you. If that makes sense? LOL.

Soooo that bastard who threatened me on youtube was right, a girl would be considered as nothing if she didn't have brains or beauty....BUT in this case I do lmao...so that doesn't make him any better than me. xD

I need a ...boy

2010-08-03T08:39:00.000-07:00

"Boy....I need a boy...."

Not really, but I feel like as if I'm getting too used to the fact that I was always in a relationship, I need to stop. It kinda kills my brain just thinking about it though. I just got two shots today, one on each arm...wasn't that bad, I still hate needles though, but I'm not scared of them. It seems like I can trust my doctor, I was scared for a second when she told my lil bro and my dad to step outside so she can do checkup...but then I realized she only wanted to know if I smoked, do drugs, or have sex and I told her no. It seems like I can tell her that stuff without having her tell my parents about it though. She told me she'll have me on birth control if I was having sex and stuff but nahhh. hahahahhaa. This douche ....ugh what can he not understand about the stuff that I say?? It kind makes me mad. Is he supposed to be my good luck charm? If so, can someone or he let me know in a DIFFERENT approach?? -____- Sheesh. I'm gaining weight and I need to lay off of the bad stuff.

I'm about to go type up my essay for scholarships and do the activity chart here in a second. I'm gonna be ready for this stuff, doesn't look like Senior year is gonna be that fun since I'll be hella busy...STRAIGHT! >.< Oh snaps, I forgot I had to call the lady too..

WELL GOTTA GO!

This Family..

2010-08-01T12:14:00.000-07:00

"I promise that I will try not to even have family get in the way"

So my mom's kinda a disappointment, my uncle's a dick, and my dad's a critic. Things get outta control when it comes to my half sis....she's gone through alot in her life and has had a rough life..and is still going through it and I understand that and I understand my condition compared to hers too but no need to make it so dramatic that you leave out your other daughter ...MOTHER!!! Sheesh it hurts actually I just tend to hide it alot, I usually don't come to my parents telling them about my feelings but I MIGHT as well when the time comes about it, esp to my dad gawd. Then my uncle...I lost ALL respect for him...UGH.

UPDATES LATER!

More Intimidated Than Ever...

2010-07-31T21:36:00.000-07:00

"I feel intimidated more than ever in my entire life..."

Dayuuumm I just realized that I haven't done this in awhile, like ACTUAL blogging. Soooo now it feels weird but it feels off because I left it off for so long. Anywayy I just got back home from a longggg day, we went to the Cowley County Fairground in Winfield...and the rides were pretty fun, but then it got WAY too crowded. There were a ton of cute guys crawling around, but there were sluts too :/ of course. This one chick wore this SUPER short skirt that was all the way up to her ass and I was like ..."wtf was she thinking" & HAHAHAHA don't be thinking that I'm jealous just b/c she's getting all the attention because I can get attention my OWN way and I don't have to dress like a skank to do it! It's called charm? GEEZ. I think people there in Winfield are kinda racist too T_T I mean my brother and I went on this ride and the dude that was in charge of starting the ride ONLY came up to us and was like "When the ride is done....don't open this until I come over" and we both nodded our heads and I was like "WTF...was that?! Is it because we're Asians and you think we don't understand english well??" It was kinda weird, odd and off at the same time because he only said it to us....Winfield is the countryside of Kansas and mainly 95% of the population there are mostly WHITE people only. So I 5% don't blame them, but still.

I remember my dad telling me about the story of his first time taking his driver's test when he got over in america after about like a month or two...and the beginning where the DMV examiner asks you to turn on your turning signals, my dad didn't do it because he couldn't understand, she went over and then my dad rolled down the window and then she/he repeated and he still didn't do it, so then the person got angry and then told my dad to go back home and learn some english then left....WTF what kind of attitude is that?!

That reminds me, I was kinda mad at the guy who worked with the rides on our first ride for being rude,

I was about to tell his ass off like I wanted to with the lady at the mall with my mom and stuff but I didn't because we went there with my mom's friend and there were a lot of people (well i didn't really care about that) but I mainly didn't do it because I didn't wanna get kicked out and ruin everything and then piss my dad off and put everyone else in a bad mood. This sucks I need to learn to stand up and say something,....Ugh my niceness..

Ugh. Wannabes.

2010-07-29T18:55:00.000-07:00

"You're just jealous because I'm crazy beautiful"

So I PASSED MY DRIVERS TEST!!! YAYY. Good day todayy. Now I'm sitting here in the living room watching Fact or Faked: Paranormal Files. All new is coming up next which is why I am waiting for it :D :D :D Paha I'm suchaaa nerdd.

& I realized I haven't been updating on my blog much, guess I'm just lazy and what not. So anywayyy there are so many Korean wannabe people...ugh this one that's talking to my best friend is SOOO annoying. >.< I'm not trying to be mean but it feels like I've been allergic to annoyance since I keep sneezing whenever I'm annoyed -____- Bleh whatever, I shouldn't let those wannabes ruin Kpop in my eyes!! >:D

Bad Day & A Slight Good

2010-07-28T19:37:00.000-07:00

"All you need is understanding"

At last my parents finally understood me. I have to thank my mom today for standing by my side and still believing in me after what happened :/ I don't wanna talk about it though. Therefore I will do my best for tomorrow after the appointment. :)

I feel like..

2010-07-27T19:21:00.000-07:00

"The things I don't wanna say or think are running through my mind"

Please send down a guardian angel to bring me hope. please.

Omg Facebook

2010-07-26T18:27:00.000-07:00

"Where's your charisma?"

Wow, people who add people and then delete them are stupid. If you're gonna delete me then why did you add me in the first place?!?!?! Does it matter if we never talk? Thats your problem!! Talk to me!! STUPID. Since you're the one who added me, talk to me!! DUMBASS. I hate people like that. Then later on, they realize I'm a kool & nice person then add me. Watch me be famous one day then you'll be like "oooops" like an idiot! Sheesh, honestly I think they're just jealous, kpop wannabe's, don't be jealous cuz I'm an oriental asian :) haha jk.

_________________

**EDIT**

SOOO Obviously...it's not just me who's the only asian that HATES it when white people or people of other race try to act/pretend like they're asian when they're not....STICK TO UR OWN STUFF PEOPLE. PLEASE.

Heavy World

2010-07-26T15:21:00.000-07:00

"What is this pride?"

I just gotta believe! Gotta stand up for what I believe in, and what I stand for. Each one of us lives on this planet to serve a purpose and we may not be better than others in a certain matter...BUT we gotta find our own purpose on this world.

I Claim Kpop Big time.

2010-07-25T09:22:00.000-07:00

"It's been 9 years don't ruin this for me"

Claim people my ass. I claim Kpop big time :D :D I've been listening to Jpop & Kpop for 9 years now, ever since in 4th grade till now, the reason is because of my half older bro & sis. So I am surely a pro xP

Yesterday the foodnetwork channel discriminated against asians obviously, I was watching the Cake challenge but it was the landscape challenge. I'm not favoring Asians because I'm just following as to how I see this, but it was obvious that the asian dude's landscape should've won and was way better because his landscape was WAY more complex compared to the other team's. Honestly, I'm in ceramics and I'm pretty good with art and I could say that I am able to do the same American Dream landscape as they did because it all looked pretty simple to me. Sorry to say :/

& one of the judges were like "I can't seem to rap my head around it blah blah blahhh" After he said that I just discriminated him and blew him up inside my head because he obviously discriminated against the Asian dude. The other team ended up winning because it "portrayed the American Dream" American dream my ass.

If discriminating is what you call the American Dream, then you've got alot to learn.

One of the Biggest Accomplishments of my Life

2010-07-23T16:43:00.000-07:00

"I've grown older, stronger, and wiser"

This must be one of the biggest accomplishments of my life! I feel like I've learned so much..just by following my heart...and listening and doing to what I think is right. Because of how much I've rebelled against my parents..I've learned SO much more than EVER. I'm not gonna try and screw up as much as I did my past 17 years. I feel like I've grown so much wiser after not crying over stupid boys and realizing that at this age and time, these boys are just gonna want me for stupid stuff...for show, ...for my body blah blah blah, they're not gonna want committment! Why did I ever want committment in the first place? BLEH. I'm stupid! Well WAS! I learned to stand up for myself now...after getting rid of those two who LIED to me. Them bastards, I'm not letting anyone get in my way, my life has already made that turn and I'm not gonna reverse and go back down the old road which would've eventually led me to a DEATH path. Being popular huh? Yeah, that's not gonna matter anymore in a couple of years!!! People are just people, they're all going to use you eventually!! You're gonna get backstabbed, you're gonna run into the biggest shocks of your life! Your life will slowly change! Popularity is nothing, especially when you're not good at something and isn't gonna do something about your own life!!! Everything happens for a reason!! AND even if you ARE popular it's gonna have to be for something reasonable and successful!! I'm not throwing my life away nor am I gonna trash it because of dumb people on this world!! I WILL LIVE ON. I feel so great telling people off for once and standing up for myself. I feel like I have to protect my own pride!! I feel like I've grown older, stronger and wiser and it's gonna continue to be that way. I promise myself that.

This World is Cruel & Unfair

2010-07-22T10:41:00.000-07:00

"Life could be simple...but it's not...and it doesn't even make sense!"

My parents are soooo right...how come all the bad guys in this world NEVER die but the good ones always die? James did nothing to deserve to die so early in his life. My big bro's friend...that he lived with...died in a motorcycle accident...he was the nicest guy ever and he was also kind, he never did anything bad never did drugs or any of that stuff. Now he's gone. When there are other guys out there that people should kill or God should I say....like my dad's boss who tried to humiliate my dad and ruin his life. He's an evil white trash. He's gotten like heart attacks many times but hasn't even died yet, I think he deserves to die after what all he did to my dad, but NOOO God likes to kill the innocent ones :/ that sounded harsh. Okay, PEOPLE. Grrrr. >.< He kicked my dad down and now he's not on supervisor level anymore, fuckin' good for nothing white trash. If I had the chance to, without getting into trouble, I would've killed him myself, with OUR Katana. With Honor & Pride. I'd hang the katana up on my wall afterwards.

I Might've Hit the Jackpot.

2010-07-21T11:51:00.000-07:00

"Need to stay strong & find that inspiration again"

I'll do it. I know it's not gonna be easy at all, and it's gonna be a long hard road...but I'll do my best to make it. I've got my mind set on it, I don't think I should date anymore for that matter, it's time to find back that inspiration and fight back with all my might .... I gotta do this. I MUST. I have to grab it and win!!! I might've hit the jackpot today after the volunteering thing and talking to the professor during the car ride...he's gonna help me. This is it.

OMG

2010-07-20T12:18:00.000-07:00

"Meeting new people can make your day"

OMFG this dude is soooo freakin dumb and retarded!!! He acts and treats me like a lil kid who doesn't know anything when he's only 2 years older than me, and people who are older than you doesn't mean that they're necessarily smarter or know more, HE PISSES ME OFF. He acts like a know-it-all and like a smartass but then he asks me what this and that means!!! WTH! SERIOUSLY. How can you not know Dr. G? How can you not know what a pedometer is!!! UGH THIS DUDE. I'll strangle him.

Hasn't Been Long..

2010-07-19T13:43:00.000-07:00

"Can't get rid of the image of you"

Well...it hasn't been long...AT ALL since I've last talked to them. It'd be nice to have a one year break from them, I just wanna see how long they can go without me, which I'm sure they'd have no problem of forgetting about me. I'm in the process of healing and I don't wanna go back =/ BUT THEIR IMAGE still comes into my head....That damn quote is right, it takes seconds to know somebody but one hell of a long time to forget them!!! UGH. I don't wanna end up hating them, which I think I should for the best anyway. I'm ready to move on....I'm gonna go back to asian guys now :D :D :D They've been catching my attention latelyyyy.

I'm a FAILURE

2010-07-17T19:11:00.000-07:00

"Moving on without you"

UGH I CAN'T PARK WORTH SHIT!!! I'm soo angry and disappointed about that :/ Dear lorddd. Ughhh. It's almost time for my test and enrollment .....NOOOOO!!!

Kpop has an impact on my life.

2010-07-16T11:07:00.000-07:00

"Finding hope; this is one big mission that I must complete"

So after looking back at the kpop world and realizing how sooo many people and not just netizens bash on kpop groups or like solo artists or something, I gotta put my act together and prove other people wrong as well!!! After seeing Son Dam Bi come back again on today's performance with much better vocals and seeing her sing more...made me realize that she did her best to stand up to what everyone else was judging her for. People just need to back off sometimes, stop giving these people sucha hard time when they're celebrities, they're humans too!! No one's perfect, Son dam bi and the other artists took their time and worked on their albums and stuff to perfect it, knowing their schedule I'm sure they get tired 2x as much as we do knowing how hard and how far they've made it. How would you like it if you just made your debut and everyone was bashing on you, esp when you know you've worked hard, and have gotten this far WITH a packed schedule and hardly getting any sleep at all?? Yeah you'd feel pressurred and like SHIT. People, have a heart okay?!?! GAAWWWD.

& now...I realize I'm up for the biggest competition this year....I must do it...I must succeed!!

Curse this kid!!!

2010-07-15T16:48:00.000-07:00

"You! Shut the hell up!"

OH. MY. GAWD. This kid I swear!!! Ughhh!! I never knew he was gonna be this annoying!!! I mean, he's like a combination of rude, annoying, dumb, and just plain retarded!!! I'm cursed!!! Curse my niceness & wanting to be friendly towards people :/ look what happens now?! First I get stomped ALL over and now this kid is bothering the shit outta me!! First off, who is he to tell me that I should be proud of my country? If I've had my own experiences and shit, WHICH I SHOULD know myself, then he should leave me the fuck alone, it's not like I'm a big disgrace in the entire country ya know!! UGH then he's just pissing the fuck outta me because he reminds me of my dumbass ex that I dated for 6 nasty months!! Never going back there again. hahahaha. ANYWAY. He doesn't even know what dramas are??? WTH seriously? Common sense. "I'm not an internet video kinda guy" yeah well you're hella lame. Go play your games and get fat. (omg I'm so mean >.<) Sorry I'm just kinda mad right now. Who the fuck is he to tell me "you have to conquer your fears" NO DIP!!! I know that! He makes me sound like I'm just a little kid who's just learning things when in reality, I'm sure I know one hell of a lot more than that bastard! He makes me feel dumb, he makes me sound dumb, I'ma keep playing his ass back and show him who's smart around here!! I'm in the lead and I know what I'm doing. I'm smarter than him!!!!! UGHHH!!!! PIECE O SHIT.

Grrr Liar Game Movie!!

2010-07-15T10:02:00.000-07:00

"We're now playing the Liar Game"

Looks like the movie won't be subbed till for awhile :( Just when I got freakin' addicted too...then saw the trailer and went ballistic since it looked REALLY good. I kinda freaked out when I saw Akiyama leave the room, leaving behind Nao. Fukunaga always entertains me lol, I laughed along with him whenever he laughs it's just too bad he gets greedy though =/ Sometimes you think he's on their side sometimes he's just a greedy guy wanting money.

Liar Game Season 2!

2010-07-14T16:13:00.001-07:00

"Moving on, on my own"

So it seems to me that Liar Game is starting to change my perspective/view towards life, I love that show!!! UGH!!

Don't Know What to Feel

2010-07-13T10:36:00.000-07:00

"Thanks for driving me into this insane hole of pain"

I'm just here to say goodbye, goodbye to the two of them. I'm done with being hurt, I don't know what I'm gonna do and don't know what to do at this moment in time, I know I have to move on. But is this the way that I should be treated? I've ran into sooo much bad luck lately...I just feel hopeless & pathetic. THANKS A LOT. Now, I'm really starting to doubt the fact that I will even pass my driving test next week =/

Those bastards.

I hate Apple

2010-07-12T12:09:00.001-07:00

Agh omg wtf, this is pissing me off so much. " *insert title of song here* cannot be played on this ipod" Damn you Apple. Screw iTunes.

Apple SUCKS

2010-07-12T07:11:00.000-07:00

"Damn you Apple products!!!"

I can't believe after from wanting the iPod Touch for sooo long that I'd end up regretting the fact that I got it. =/ I should've freakin' checked and see what all you had to do on it before I decided to buy it. WTF lesson learned this time. 5 years later, I'll save up my money and buy myself another god damn mp3 player thats worth more (not money/price wise) and works better!!! Apple can go to hell, why the hell do you put pressure and stress in our lives just by making us download iTunes in order to put the stuff onto our fuckin' iPods? Fuckin' piece of shit. Duuuude, no wonder why I never saw Apple products as anything really. Sorry to say!! Your iPods may be "cool" or whatever!! But I'd rather prefer the Zen mp3 that stopped working (because I was careless) on me!! THANK YA VERY MUCH. I think I'm gonna save money and have that one fixed? But nahh...it's not even enough space for me, which was why I upgraded. UGH fuckin' APPLE...Really? iTunes? REALLY? With the other mp3s I could just simply drag my damn stuff and ACTUALLY move my OWN videos like a piece of cake!! FUCK YOU and YOUR PRODUCTS.

Sorry for that :)

But Apple just sucks.

I'm willing to deal with it though since my dad was thoughtful enough to buy it for me.

I broke my rainbow pen ...

2010-07-11T20:10:00.000-07:00

"You can always find hope across the beautiful aurora"

SORRY but I only date guys who will prove their love to me!!! :)

Ridiculous.

2010-07-11T09:06:00.000-07:00

"Hmph, & I thought girls were bad, but the guys I know, just reached a whole new level"

WOW. Just WOW. The guys I know & like are SOO DUMB & stupid. It just sucks & it makes you wanna think what they're gonna do next, I don't think they should talk to me till they grow up =/ This shit is just getting uberly ridiculous that it leaves me speechless and all I wanna do is just bash on them. Fuck boys.

Back Home.

2010-07-10T20:17:00.000-07:00

"Back Home once again"

Sooo I'm soo glad to finally be back home once again. There's been like a dark and a bright side to my trip overall. I got sick during the trip and ended up looking like shit for a couple of days. On the bright side, I bought a whole buncha kool and neato stuff...I just can't believe I ended up buying him a gift...oh well -___- I'm just glad to be back home again anyway. I missed laying on bed and just expressing myself on this blog lol and everything else really. I was just OCD-ing at the hotel and being super paranoid every second and it was starting to get on my nerves. & after like what? 2-3 years of waiting, I FINALLY got a new cell with my own ringtones and that I can finally text and call unlimited LOL. I'm happy, and then I'm gonna be ordering my iPod touch tomorrow probably. I'm much more happier today since I haven't been talking to him for awhile :) Been thinking ahead you know? Anyway peace.

Orientalism Express

2010-07-07T19:38:00.000-07:00

"You obviously don't understand how I feel at all"

I feel so freakin' asian & I can't believe I bought him something too BLEH BLEH BLEH. I'm starting to dislike him, not as much as I hate myself right now. WHATEVER lol.

I'm Unlucky & Pathetic

2010-07-06T21:24:00.000-07:00

"Leave me be"

BLAH. Really? Today was all bad luckkkk so was last night. I freakin got food poisoning!!! & I Kindaaa miss home!!! :( And seriously?!? Do I always gotta have a kpop song(s) to remind me of things?? Ugh I feel pathetic lol and hopeless. 2PM - Without U --> "Everything happens for a reason" YEAH WHY DIDN'T I THINK OF THAT?!?! xD I need to freakin' remember thaaaatttt. & we've eaten at the same restaurant 4 times lmaooo. Dallas Day 4.

Theoretically & Internally dealing with the BS

2010-07-05T18:57:00.000-07:00

"I hate having to mentally deal with the BS"

GAWWWDDD. Someone just get a gun and shoot me in the head or in the mouth already!!! Day 3 in Dallas btw.

The End.

2010-07-03T19:11:00.001-07:00

It's Over.

Dallas Day 1

2010-07-03T18:03:00.000-07:00

"Travel and forget all your worries and scars from yesterday"

Wow talk about a long ride to Dallas ughhh just glad but then not glad that it wasn't Houston. Today we went to go eat at Bistro B, went to the Saigon Mall, went into the Hello Kitty store and NOBODY was playing!!! Eeek before I walked into the store, I KNEW and sensed that it was gonna be an asian song playing LOL. xD I'm gooood. Then we went to wal-mart and now I'm here. Bleh long day, AND I've decided to make a very wise decision to just be best friends with him. Gonna buy something for our friendship which I think is best. He doesn't like me like that so yeah, he's pretty much made up his mind on her. I'm gonna call her JoJo because I was listening to SHINee's Jojo when it made me realize the truth. So yeah haha.

Yayy

2010-07-02T20:28:00.000-07:00

"Honestly...my heart still aches every time I think about it..."

Hoping and wishing that the pain would go away....Other than that I'm doing fine I guess. I just wanna leeeaavee, I'm glad to be leaving tomorrow though. Wish me the best of luck I just can't wait! I gotta get some rest now though. LATERS!

Dumb, Lame.

2010-07-02T08:09:00.000-07:00

"I realized, I'm just all too good for this *chuckle*"

Pahahahahaha wth. Why am I so worried about all of this, why is my heart beating, why am I getting jealous, why am I getting all worked up again?! When I told myself not to, I'm sooo ready to leave. I knew this was gonna happen, I KNEW he went there because of her, he's not gonna have the best of both worlds sorry! If he wants to talk I'll talk, but other than that, hahahaha, you can kiss your "other lover" goodbye!! His status on facebook is so ridiculous right now it made me just wanna laugh and gag everytime I read it! Pahaha, I'm wayyy too good for him and all this shit. HAHAHA ONE MORE DAY! Why am I soo good at guessing? This is some dumb and lame shit. I'm done! SOOO THROUGH with this!!! Don't even bother talkin' to me dude!

Booo This Sucks.

2010-07-01T17:43:00.000-07:00

"Damn you Facebook Newsfeed"

Boooo this sucks. I wish I was gone already so that I won't have to check back on facebook like I have no life ...like right now xD I'm busy packing and all but krap I keep seeing his statuses and stuff on Newsfeed! BOTH OF THEM. Ugh. Anywayyy, I'm ready to leave leave leave! Once I come back I'm gonna be hanging with my peeps! END OF STORY LOL.

(He made it to Sydney -____-)