Currently: Want to Break Down...

You just don't know how depressed I am..I know that love is not the answer to everything at the moment..But that's not the only issue I'm having to deal with at this moment in time. I feel like my life is being forced to head down only on one road..like as if my life is only limited with certain options, hardly do I ever get to make my own decision. I'm only a teen, and yet I feel like as if the world is on top of my shoulders right now, carrying all that pressure that you made me deal with. Dear mother & father, I'm not trying to blame everything on you and make you feel extremely guilty, but I no longer feel like I have a reason to be on this world because of the things you are limiting me on doing. I don't feel like a normal teen, you force me to be a good child, when I naturally am one, I can just be spoiled..that is it. I just think that I would not be so rebellious towards you if you gave me a chance to show you, even though there is already enough to show, to be honest...& to let you see that I cannot go living this kind of life for such a long time...& if you weren't so hard on me, I wouldn't be a rebel as well. Since I am the one who is expressing my feelings and just saying as how it is, I think that I would know best on how I feel so please don't think that you know what is best for me. I learn from my mistakes, but I am still your daughter, and I inherit your smart traits..I would not go as far as to do anything foolish, and stupid that would ruin my life forever. I want to be able to learn how to deal with life and how to live in it but in this case, I feel like I will never be able to if you keep me trapped among you all the time. Yes, sure I know that you'll "let me go" when I am past 20 years old...but do you think that it is really a good thing for me to be trapped inside a house all the time, being babied all the time will help me understand more about life on my own? How the hell am I supposed to understand what is out there waiting for me? Once you let me go, I am definitely going to be so confused and I would be so lost...once I'm out in that dark scary world on my own. Right now, deep down inside, I just feel so confused, lost, I don't know what to do actually, I feel angry, depressed, sad...basically anything BAD you can think of. Let's see here, you want me to focus on my education, and I already do that, I am nearly a straight A student, what else do you want from me? I am no genius, I cannot do all of the things you ask me to and get it perfect. I understand and appreciate all the things that you do for me because I know that you love and care for me and you are just wanting to protect me, and I continue to want you to do that...but just not so much that I cannot breathe okay? Your ways of wanting to do what is right as parents, are nearly suffocating me. I am not saying you are bad parents but seriously...I feel like I need my own space. Now that I think about it, sometimes I don't even have the privacy that I want...I don't even get to hang out with my friends much...Why do you think that it'll be such a bad habit if you let me hang out with my friends more often? I am not a bad kid, why will you not let me out of the house more? How will I be able to pursue and REAL life and career in the future if I don't understand what the outside world is like? You are keeping me from wanting to see the life on the outside! Honestly, I do not feel satisfied with my life right now, sometimes I think back about the 'luxurious' life that you have given me..and think to myself..."You know what? I'd rather sacrifice this luxurious life in order to live a normal life as to where I can hang out whenever it's possible" Every time I think of that line, ...I really just want to break down and simply cry my eyes out. Because you have given me so many things that I wanted, but in reality...I just want to be able to hang out and actually have a social life. I would not think of abusing it, because I know that school is my number 1 priority and I want to have a good education. I would still continue having good grades like I do now...& I would not hang out if I had a huge important project, essay, or assignment to do. I know what is right and wrong, I have a conscience. Trust me, I do. Truly, I think that you are controlling my life....from the beginning, ever since I was born, you told me that I had to become a doctor...Is that really what I want? Or is it what you want? I find myself more revolved around things dealing with art, although I am more good at science...But I'm just not sure what I want to do with my future, I'm just only doing it for the fact that I want to make you proud and happy. You never want to listen to my side..never..because you think everything you say and do is right....but no one is ever right all the time. Father, both you and I know that we have had a fight over this before, ever since that day, I never thought of you the same, I'm sorry to say..because you took advantage of me, do you know how mad, upset, and torn apart I was? I asked myself..."Is this just a really bad dream? Or is this a reality that I'm not sure what actually happened to it?" I definitely thought to myself and kept asking myself if you were actually my father that night...I cannot believe you would go that far as to not let me out of the house ONLY to go to Asian Fest with my friends! Now I'm just scared for asking for a bit more freedom because I think you'll actually do something foolish again...My life feels like trash right now...Honestly at this moment in time I just feel like I'd rather die rather than dealing with all of this because I feel like I need to be reborn again as a new person...with a new life and actually having a meaning to be alive in life..That feeling of being alive..I need to feel it but I don't! Why did you bring me into this world? I'm probably the most selfish person ever. I'm not saying I would commit suicide over this, but if I ever die...maybe my mind would rest more in peace...=/

Right now..I want to break down so bad..But I can't because I want to stay strong and not let this overcome me..because right now...all of the things I've done have led me to a path as to where I must climb over a gigantic mountain....a path where I no longer have a close friend...a best friend..no longer have one...No one close so that I can talk to about my feelings, I feel so alone...You will not even let me date...

I really like a guy at this moment...but I feel like it's going nowhere between him & I...Are you keeping me from possibly finding the person who is right for me? I'm currently making it harder for both him and I right now because of my condition with US...My life has no meaning whatsoever...It only has a dramatic, and most pathetic story to tell...That is it. Dating doesn't hurt, as long as I still remember the right and the wrong. Yeah I know it's because you don't trust me enough, because I'm still young and don't know anything...I'm sorry if I ever disappointed you so much...I think I'm just done talking about this before I say anything else..I am done.