Designer: Agnes
Base Code: Tammy
Image: Enakei
Image Host: Tinypic & Photobucket
NOTE**: I DO NOT OWN THE ICONS THAT ARE ON EACH OF MY POSTS, THE ICONS ARE CREDITED TO THEIR RIGHTFUL OWNERS, THANK YOU [CREDITS TO: K-pop Icons]
♥ Saturday, February 27, 2010
Currently: Thinking About Candy...
Okay so now joke, even though this candy, sweet, diet thing is working...But I really can't stand the fact that I have to lay off all of these gummies and sweets for awhile just to stay in shape, I know I have to stay in shape especially this week because I am the mascot for our class for spirit week...& so I gotta fit into the new shirt I just bought lmao, I'm not fat...it's just that well the sweets sometimes catch up on me and then I gotta find time to lay off of the sweets for awhile..and I guess it's that time of the year again T_T I WAS gonna go to the Nifty Nuthouse but wth....I forgot the address while we were driving around haha fail. Gawd this is gonna be so hard for me ): I just wanna cry!! Anyway...bleh...Life is GAY GAY GAY to the max right now I just wish there'd be...that one guy...EH WHAT AM I TALKING ABOUT...I need to get myself together =/ I got other things to worry about :)
♥ My World My Life
8:30 PM
♥ Friday, February 26, 2010
Currently: Stressing It all Out
Wth...2010 is a mess...such chaos and shit happening. =/ Bleh, I mean relationship issues, not with just me but other people, then we have people's family members dying, then I've been having issues with my classes this semester and the amount of stress and pressure, and then my parents pressuring me like hell and I'm about to explode. The thing with 2PM at this moment is pretty crazy too. Eh I don't really wanna deal with all this stuff anymore I just wish my curricular was Art not Science =/
♥ My World My Life
3:54 PM
♥ Thursday, February 25, 2010
Currently: Lacking & Craving Sweets
I mean, not only is 2010 already not going so well...I'm having to force myself to lay off sweets for awhile because supposedly I'm gaining weight...and I told myself that I'd keep my figure for the longest time. I don't wanna go back to those days -___- it sucked. My stomach is starting to ....yeah..anyway...I want sweets though ): I can't live without them lol. 2010 sucks, with the amount of work, and relationship issues and shit...now Jaebum from 2PM is NOT coming back...Mimi left the Wonder Girls...I'm on my own...yeah this is like the worst year ever...I'd hate to find out what happens later on during this year...I really want a cookie now that I keep looking at my icon... T___T ...& I ate like 2 today...that's not good because almost everyday at school I've been eating cookies..and maybe that's why I'm gaining weight! UGH but it's sooo good...Anyway, I've totally decided to keep using the same icons probably...so if you see copies..lol or whatever I'm reusing them. haha. So yeah. THIS IS NOT GOING SO WELL. I have a math quiz tomorrow too =/ wtf...advocacy day tomorrow...bleh. At least it's Friday....Well lil bro's singing thing at his school tonite. Gonna get ready.
♥ My World My Life
3:40 PM
♥ Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Currently: In Thought to Myself
Wow my friends totally made my day today, it was great. I know I have great friends that I can rely on now, it just gets a bit "depressing" when I think back of all the relationships I've had since I'm feeling so god damn lonely right now lmao. It's not really funny but then again it sorta is lol. It feels nice being independent for once =/ I mean I guess it's just the fact that I was rushing into things too soon just got me...unprepared, well better than being desperate anyway lol. I still have a ton of shit to deal with all dealing with school and krap...it just gets on my nerves when I have alot of krap piled up at the same damn time and I can't catch up to all of it in time...It's just urghhh I hate it. Life could be better...but it's not at this moment in time because of the amount of schoolwork and stress I'm dealing with not to mention I'm also overwhelmed. Life sucks. Love is gay lol. That's how it works. Seems like today was one of the best days I've had in a long time, my friends were funny and they all made me laugh so much and smile... simply indescribable :) I just got done with this outline for English class for my research paper so now my fingers are cramped but hopefully everything will be alright tomorrow. Haha...still thinking about it....Shoot me now T_T
♥ My World My Life
6:39 PM
♥ Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Currently: Showing my Honesty
& I say "You are a cum eating, cock sucking lying bastard" That's how I feel about you. I felt sorry for your ass at one point, but now all I wanna say is Thanks for all the lies because now you will never hear from me again. I am leaving your ass behind to live a better life, because I know I deserve better anyway, I will no longer be used by anymore guys just as their pleasure, or rebound. That's fucked up. I'm not a toy okay? If I saw your ass in person I'd probably be honest with you too. I no longer want us to have anything to do with each other, good luck in your gay ass life. Obviously your ass never cared about mine, so we don't necessarily have to be "close". You first tried to capture my heart with your 'Charms' and it worked at one point, then you tried lying to me and getting away with it, now you're trying to hide the "crime" you've "committed" you know what? Fuck you and your new gf I hope she knows how much of an asshole you are too, or maybe she'll get tired of you soon but who knows? Maybe her heart will be broken too. I'm through with this kind of shit, if he's gonna play with me like that I no longer need to stay by his side to support him. Screw everything he said to me because obviously everything was just said out of the blue and does not mean a single thing to him till this day and never will it be. I don't feel like talking to his ass, nor seeing his ass, I just wanna have things settled completely today. & hopefully it does. I'm done with this krap. I knew he was hiding something, that stupid dumbass. Guys are obviously jerks and assholes and always do things without even thinking! Bleh whatever. I guess my best friend is right, usually when a girl really likes a guy and falls for him first it almost NEVER works out most of the times, but if it was the other way around, you have a bigger and better chance of your relationship to work out! Bleh I accidently gave my heart to him almost at one point which is why I'm still sorta not over this shit. I mean I'm fine, but sometimes I still think about it. It's not affecting me like it did 2 years ago...er...1...anyway. Fuck him, fuck his gf, bleh I hate my life. Don't pity me over this because I know that I will find the right guy one day. AGH. School...math quiz....tired..research paper...freakin' school =/
♥ My World My Life
3:56 AM
♥ Monday, February 22, 2010
Currently: BEYOND ENRAGED & PISSED
Well even though I'm already feeling alot better now thanks to my friends who are there for me, but mostly my bodyguard and the one who caught the bastard redhanded :D I am doing fine now. So what happened was that I realized our "friendship" or supposedly "break" was not a break at all, because he god damn lied to me knowing how he said "for now" after I asked if he wanted us to just be friends. One of my best friends go to the same school as him and caught him holding hands and kissing another girl, so I said fuck that I'm not dealing with that shit. Well I could go into more detail but nahhhhh :) Cuz I feel happy and free right now!
♥ My World My Life
4:15 PM
♥ Sunday, February 21, 2010
Currently: Stressing On My Own
Bleh with hardly any support from people, I feel like I'm always dealing with these things on my own, not that it's a bad thing but I guess it'll just leave me more prepared. Yesterday...before I went shopping with my parents again..I talked to one of my good friends...I like him and all, it's just that he's wanting to date me, but I really don't wanna date anyone at this moment in time. I'm actually serious this time because I really do have alot of work to deal with and I wanna try and get on track, I'm trying my best to keep myself on track this time because I feel like I'm starting to slack still...because of the fact that I have already gotten used to that. Also, another thing is that I'll probably hurt him..and he's already gone through alot of pain already, he gets "emotionally stressed and hurt" real easily if you know what I mean...& well his relationships haven't worked out so far..I guess sorta rejecting him yesterday hurt him a bit too..I didn't mean to, maybe I could try and talk to him tomorrow or something just to make up for it...Bleh..Anyway, KPOP! hahaha, I can't wait for Hyori, T-Ara, and KARA's comeback this month!! Ahhh can't wait, there are more artists who are making comebacks soon too, just don't remember who else, but I know the Wonder Girls will be releasing their new album in April in America and Korea. :D Hoping to hear from more artists!!! :) Kpop makes me happy, and smiley!
♥ My World My Life
7:25 AM
♥ Saturday, February 20, 2010
Currently: Simplifying Life
Yeah sure life could be simple, but it's not. Unless you always look at the bright side and see that there will always be newer opportunities ahead of you, then you will be able to unlock the gate to success :) It's easier said than done lol. I totally forgot to update yesterday, grrrrrr -__- so I'm kinda mad about that. & man wth...maybe I should just get over him...I mean after a whole entire week not even saying anything to him..I talk to him now, ask him how he's doing and he says 'Good' T_T Blah okay maybe this is why I'm deciding to stay single, there's just so many things I gotta do this semester and I feel like I'm falling behind and now that I'm single I'm able to catch up on my stuff lol. Hopefully I'll do it. haha. My birthday is coming up soon...and then yesterday I talked to one of my really good friend on the phone. He said he'll be my eyes for me and keep an eye out for me too, he's my bodyguard :D haha. HEHEHEHE, I don't know if I got anything to worry about, but just as long as my friends are there for me...I'm all good in the hood haha jk. But seriously :)
♥ My World My Life
9:17 AM
♥ Thursday, February 18, 2010
Currently: Speechless
WHAT IN THE WORLD!!!!?!?!?! I'm just like "Whaaaaaaat......??!!?" right now...I mean, I feel better from being sick and all. First off, my dad won't let me go see the performance of Footloose this week :( I knew I was gonna miss that damn chance...I wanted to support my friend. & well let's just start off with what happened ...I think yesterday? Well anyway I was in my first hour class and I was talking to my friends, not really friends friends anyway if you know what I mean, but I told them the real reason why my ex broke up or went on a "break" with me, either way, lol and then they told me that that's just a way for a guy of saying they like another girl, or that just gives them time to go "fuck"/fuck around with another girl or other girls, and then when they can't find anybody they just come back to you...and I'm like "Shit..I hope that's not the real reason" I mean, yeah, trust is one hell of a big issue nowadays, I just...ugh I can't think when people "brainwash" me with different reasons and it's like hella crazy, I still find myself thinking about him everynow and then but I don't tell him that when I'm talking to him because I don't want him to think that I'm 'obsessed' or crazy or whatever just after going out with him for 2 weeks but he was about to take my heart...blah. This feels just like the love from 1-2 years ago -__- *sigh* & THEN now today I found out that we have a freakin' 7 pg research paper due in two weeks, that's right before spring break, and wtf of course I'm gonna have to be studying for the ACT in spring break =/ My dad's gonna make me...it's gonna be hell. Damn..I'm so stressed, there's too much krap to do this semester, this is worse than last semester! I mean last semester wasn't even THAT bad! -_- I actually knew all the things I needed to do, well except for the same math class lmao. Man screw relationships for now, I ain't got time for that shit at this moment!! Screw prom. lol. (For this year anyway lol) Yeah whatever lol I bet this isn't the end of surprises! WISH ME LUCK?! PEACE.
♥ My World My Life
1:55 PM
♥ Wednesday, February 17, 2010
Currently: About to Flip Out
God damn...I broke the chain...I didn't even update the blog yesterday -___- Sorry I was sick and out of it and didn't remember, I had too much fun watching youtube videos yesterday then watched The Secret Life...so yeah....Then I started feeling tired early yesterday (as I had expected) So I thought it'd be a good idea for me to go to sleep early. I'm probably gonna do that for the rest of this week, now I'm starting to realize that I guess it was a good thing the guy and I went on a "break" at least I still think so =/ Anyway I gotta get ready for school now. I only update now so that I won't lose the chain but TOO LATE!_____________________________________________________________________________
So...today I realized I was much more sick than I had thought. I refused to take my medicine in the mornings for the past two days now and I guess I just got paid back by having this massive runny nose, it just feels like shitty allergies that's what it feels like -__- Well..not as bad as my allergies used to be anyway. But today my mommy put me through this what I call "At Home Sauna Remedy" & it's like going to an actual sauna but I sat in the kitchen with a boiling pot of water and then my mom covered me with a blanket then all the hot steam is supposed to make me sweat so that I'll feel better. I DO feel a bit better, it just felt really nice, my skin feels nice and my face looks refreshed too afterwards lol but not anymore. I'm continuing to sneeze, with a stuffy nose and krap. Hahaha this just reminds me of how back then I saw this one pic of Nam Gyuri, ex-member of Seeya now...How she just took pics of herself looking at how refreshed she looked and stuff while she was in the sauna. :) Man, I hate my life right now, but I'm actually enjoying being single. Anyways, i had a total EPIC FAIL moment awhile ago, it was crazy, I was trying to burn these performances onto a DVD, so I went to go get a blank disc and inserted it into my mom's laptop then when I got the program all set up about ready to burn it, the thing tells me that I need to insert an actual DVD burner disc..and so I was like "Wth..I did!!!" So kept redoing it over and over, *(NOTE: I was in the dark while doing this) then I was like.."Fine lemme recheck the disk" then it said "CD" and I was like "Damn...-___-" I felt SO STUPID, I totally forgot the blank DVD discs were inside the computer room not out in the living room so I got the wrong discs the whole entire time. anyway lol I got things all cleared up now. I feel like krap right now, Guess I'm going to bed early tonight too =/
♥ My World My Life
3:20 AM
♥ Monday, February 15, 2010
Currently: Lost Myself
Tomorrow..we go back to school..well me in particular anyway. Today is basically a wasted day...it's a Monday therefore it feels like it's been wasted lol. Yeah yayy I can't wait to see what I got on the test tomorrow *sarcasm* =/ Ugh that probably brought down my math grade. I don't really give a krap that much anymore...I don't feel like updating my blog that much today either, I'm just exhausted overall. I do feel better after talking to my friend on the phone about things now. Anyway, FIGHTING! for tomorrow..
♥ My World My Life
7:32 PM
♥ Sunday, February 14, 2010
Currently: Looking for a Heart Mender..
I feel like I've been lied to, I feel like I've just been stabbed in the heart again, yet...these feelings and I are still yearning for your heart to return...You said you were gonna be my mender..but I guess that changed..Why can't you tell me the real reason behind all of this? Was I not good enough? Did I not meet your expectations? Am I a false in your eyes? I know I'm not perfect compared to the other girls...and I know I am of different race..but does all of this need to matter? I hope not. I want you to fix my heart...Fix it completely..Man..I just feel like everything he's said...is just going back through my mind, and now my mind is telling me that I've been lied to..just like the beginning. I knew it was too good to be true. Why should I continue to wait like a fool? I don't feel like being close to you like a fool any longer..I don't know what to do, I can't stand the fact that we're only friends now..Why am I so overwhelmed by all of this? Blah forget it. I'm gonna go meet up with my friends at 1 today. At least that will get things offa my mind...till I come home again. 0_0...Whatever I just can't wait till the weekday again. I'm ready to go back to school..sorta.._____________________________________________________________________________
Truth Is...I don't feel like I fit into this world anymore...I feel like I've been lied to...so many times..and it's still happening...and it's not gonna stop because this world is full of lies...kohjidmal...constant lies..Even people are full of lies...I just feel betrayed and lied to so much..I don't really trust anybody anymore...I don't even know about family anymore either. =/ No one to trust.
♥ My World My Life
9:57 AM
♥ Saturday, February 13, 2010
Currently: Pretending
Blah..I don't feel like wanting to deal with this anymore...this drives me insane..literally..I can't even sleep that good anymore...Right now, I just feel like I was being lied to...but I don't know anymore, I can't believe I stayed up a bit last night talking to my ex..wtf that was NOT supposed to happen, but I had to clear things up with him that he needs to get over me. I feel like I betrayed my own feelings and the guy I really like by doing that...it's just so hard to face and talk to the guy I really like now...because..I can't accept the fact that we're only friends (for now?) & I find it hard to bring myself to talk to him and stuff then I get all paranoid because he's friends with all of these girls...and shit...I don't know what to do...I remembered...I was going to plan on leaving my hair long, but obviously that didn't happen or else my hair would've been all the way down to my lowerback now..but it's not because I was so depressed last year about my first old love..that I just literally cut it off about like 4-5 inches off, bringing it all the way short to like mid-neck length 0_0 I looked like a little kid...but I just kept thinking to myself.. "Why keep myself looking all good and beautiful when he doesn't even pay attention to me.." so then BAM I cut it off..I guess that's like another easier way to deal with things rather than getting depressed and cutting yourself over it. Another reason why I cut it off last year was because I looked at it as starting a new beginning, once I cut my hair, I can have a brand new, fresh start, and forget about what all happened in the past, it worked...but for only a short while till we both started crawling back to each other again. But things happened =/. I feel like cutting it off again..Idk just for the heck of it..but nah I probably won't because it took me one hell of awhile to actually get it to grow out this long..and I wanna be able to have it grow out long..and I'm not gonna get all super depressed over a guy I only dated for 2 weeks... =/ "T-Ara - Lies" lol.... Good song, and definitely represents how I feel at this moment in time. Anyway I gotta brush my teeth lmao I'm still in bed. Parents are gonna wonder, updates later, Vday tomorrow -_____- peace..________________________________________________________________________
Ehhh this day...this weekend...just thinking about my life right now makes me feel sick to my stomach...Life is like half way towards hell right now for me.. T_T ... So we went to go eat at a buffet earlier today for brunch lol then we went tothe asian market, then to the pawn shop..idk what for, then walgreens, then walmart, then the car wash and now here I am...Valentine's Day tomorrow...and Lunar New Years..I got no Valentine ): Yeah still too early to determine lol. Oh well. My other friend doesn't really count lol. Because of his sexual orientation lol so yeah. But hopefully we're having steak for dinner today...& yes I'm still hurt and still wondering about the whole relationship thing...it just kinda left me in a state of shock..
♥ My World My Life
7:33 AM
♥ Friday, February 12, 2010
Currently: Clueless of My Needs
Haha before I get on with the depressing, irritating, and serious stuff, I just wanted to say that I'm starting to REALLY like Junhyung from BEAST aka Poppin' Dragon!! Omggg he really reminds of one of my "new" friends too! hahahaha. Or the other way around lol. Now I'm just more in love with Hyun_A's song and music video "Change" just because of them two xD & well, lets see, today I went over to my lil niece's house, we ate McDonald's and I feel like a fatty every time I eat their food. Then we took a whole bunch of pics then I got a New Year's gift from my uncle instead of money. It's all good lol. I liked the necklace since it's from Germany. & hopefully I won't get in trouble for telling my dad late about the whole senior pictures with Sarah tomorrow..because first of all, I'm getting paid for this, second of all, I wanna get out of the damn house. So yeah. & nowwww my ex is sorta irritating me with all these questions about me and the guy that just went out not long ago...and ughh..and now I'm just thinking...that it could be a possibility that he's testing me...Buuuuuut..I'm not so sure, I'm guessing. He won't be finding me going out with another person for awhile, that's all I'm gonna say. But my eyes are getting tired..I think...later.
♥ My World My Life
7:07 PM
♥ Thursday, February 11, 2010
Currently: Smiling on the out, Rotten on the in..
I feel like I have no more love to give...if it was called love anyway...Why did he get so confused all of a sudden? He said I didn't do anything wrong, ...I guess I believe him on that part...But I feel like I want to believe him for the main reason...but at the same time...I've been told the same reason before in the past..well..from a big jerk and liar anyway...I feel like I can't go along with the reason..Maybe because I'm still not able to get over it...He's doing just perfectly fine without me...He says he wants to keep me close but wth am I supposed to do. Guess it's just time to start flirting with other guys, I bet that in a couple of weeks or so or in the next month, he'll have interest in another girl and then go out with her. I already told him that...well not exactly in those words but along those lines..and he told me not to look at the future...Wth is that supposed to mean..Well..he's my buddy now, just might as well be close to him...because you know how it's like this..when you have feelings for a person..and then you feel like you can't get rid of the feelings and move on if you're going to be close with that person, but then again, since you have these feelings, you feel like you don't wanna let go...Shit I hate these feelings, I've been through them before, and now I doesn't even really effect me that much anymore. I think he deserved better than me anyway, we hardly had anything in common, nor did we talk much =/ that was the sad part that I never pointed out to anybody... ): But you know..life is life and you gotta move on..Maybe I'll find myself a good looking guy in college :D :D That I will "fall in love" with..yeah haha nowadays people just throw the word around 'love' like it's something easy to gain and find. Pssshh. I have to admit I was foolish enough back then to throw that word around too. I'm still foolish...foolish to even think that I was planning on falling for him..GAH. He made me think that he really liked me too =/ well maybe he did..but I don't know anymore, I don't want to know...I don't feel like talking to him anymore..well in the meantime anyway.. I still feel guilty for some odd reason...maybe I'm not good enough..GUYS ARE JERKS. =[ =[ =[ =[ What did I ever do...& of course I'm not gonna beg him because I don't beg...but I really wish we were together again...Damn..oh well. But how would he react if I had gone out with somebody else..? HAHAHAHA I can't believe my mind is thinking about it...but that would be HELLA wrong of me. I will be judged by many ppl for sure, even my best friends. Might as well stay single for the rest of the year. This is a good time...for me to listen to "Because of You" by After School =/(School time) -__- Last day of the week, thank god.
_________________________________________________________________
I wish you would leave my mind...I don't want to have to think of you through these times...I wish I would've never thought I would start gaining feelings for you...Until you forced me to give you my heart....Why is it me..Why is it that I'm always the victim of this nearly non-existance thing..called love?My heart...Just feels like it's slowly rotting and deteriorating away...Just take my heart away...Take it for good...Don't come back...I thought we were gonna get far...But obviously...Our mind "changes"I wish we would just forget about each other, ....And forget the time we even met...Including back then...Thanks..My heart is aching,Now I feel sick and just want to throw up all of our memories and feelings,and clean it all away,That way I won't have to deal with it again..I hate you...I hate myself..._____________________________________________________________________
Damn. I hate dealing with all of this emotional junk. I can't wait to get out of high school..for good. AH! I DON'T KNOW WHAT I WANT ANYMORE. I'm not even doing good in Art anymore! WHYS THAT?! I just freakin' nearly failed my math test today! UGH WHYS THAT?! Oh wait..nvm I know the answer to that one. Cuz I didn't study T_T...Man I just wish I wouldn't worry so much about being in a relationship with somebody, it pisses me off. I'm so glad I talked to one of my close guy friends...ahhh it feels good..I mean it makes me feel better about myself especially when I'm dealing with a guy and talking to your close guy friend really helps alot..because they would know 0_0. Lol. So I told him all of the issues that I keep worrying about so much...I'll list 'em... : 1. Our trust towards each other, 2. Him possibly liking another girl, 3. Him thinking of dating and being with another girl, 4. Lying to me, so that he won't "hurt" me, 5. After he met me, I mostly didn't meet his standards (I'm not the one for him, I wasn't as he had expected.."the perfect girl" etc.) 6. I must've screwed up somewhere in the relationship (most likely not..) 7. If whether or not last night was a break up or a break, 8. If whether or not we'll have a chance again, 9. He could've lost interest in me...AFTER A MONTH OF ALL THAT TALKING AND COMMUNICATING?! Sorry, overreacted. but...YEAH there's more, but my mind doesn't want to think, I just want to focus on the novel that I'm writing right now. HEHEHEHE. It's been awhile since I wrote novels...all the ones I wrote in the past are all INCOMPLETE. Yes people, I'm a novel writer :D But...anyway...my friend told me I was worrying a bit too much..and that it's tough to deal with these kinds of things...so I should just go with the..flow 0_0 pretty much.. I Hate that because it's hard to do that! Ughh I don't wanna remember all of the times...I don't wanna remember how we began started talking to each other again..aw man I feel sick ): Somebody shoot me now...that feeling was a really good feeling..GAWD WAT THE EFF. SHOOT MEE.
♥ My World My Life
3:48 AM
♥ Wednesday, February 10, 2010
Currently: In Thought..All to Myself
I'm way too tired to be updating alot and I only have 15 mins in order to get myself ready in a sec for breakfast..Therefore, I'll be updating later tonight...Yesterday was pretty much a bad day..I'm glad that I had talked to him about things...Well I sortaa did..But I'm just wondering why he wouldn't tell me it..probably because he doesn't wanna hurt me..Just like he said last night when I told him that if he feels necessary that he should leave me..then he should..but he currently doesn't know either... =/ I don't wanna leave him..and he knows that..But I don't know what he wants to think anymore..It just hurts me on the inside..because he's leaving me worrying about these things...He's worrying about things too..but probably not as much as I am...I'm worried that we won't last long...I'm worried that he'll leave me soon..I don't want for that to happen..If it does..I think I should be at least prepared for it..I don't think I should try to get myself attached to him much anymore..or any further I should say...I'm planning on seeing him again this weekend..But I'm just not so sure anymore..I was thinking of paying one of my best friends to take me there after a photoshoot for one of our other good friends..But I don't know anymore..I don't know if there will be enough time...Shit..if only I hadn't liked somebody who lived all the way across town from me.. ): Yeah this reeks ass, school feels like it's gonna be like shit too..Expect the unexpected! Well gotta get ready for school now. Updates Much later._____________________________________________________________
OMG WTF. My Life can get worse...Arraso? My god...Today was like the shittiest day I have ever had! I was in 1st block...I cried for 30 mins during that hour...I had to leave the class because of it...! I guess my teacher just excused me for it because he felt bad that the box that I made my mom as a birthday gift got all ruined! UGH b/c some stupid dumbass or bitch did not know how to load the piece of delicate artwork made of clay into the kiln! It's ruined..I was gonna impress my mom for it too, but now it's freakin' ruined....What am I to do...Gawd...and now my relationship doesn't look oh so well either....I think....omg I don't wanna say it...but I think he's gonna break up with me soon.... ): My friend told me not to worry...but how am I not? Anyway, I gotta vocab quiz to do, and to read a long chapter for our novel in English class, and then look over stuff for the Math test tomorrow ugh wth...I can't wait till this week ends..=/ Luckily tomorrow's the last day...I can't stand it...People can be such stupid, ignorant, and the most obnoxious things living on this planet, ...I mean don't get me wrong, I love people and meeting them and talking to them, but only when I'm in a good mood! At the same time I dislike them =/ Anyway...update about my...I don't even wanna say it either...relationship...later ___________________________________________________________________
My ex is annoying me..I'm in a bad mood, I'm having a bad day, my bf is still acting like how he is for the past 2 days..I'm sick and tired. Why the eff do relationships have to be so god damn complicated. Gawd, okay I'm not even gonna lie..I just wanted to be able to "fall in love" (if it's even possible anymore) with a really good looking guy..like the one I'm with right now...but in return he has to feel the same way too..I just don't want it to get all ruined because of some sort of reason I don't even know about. I mean, not only his looks..but..his personality too...God this sucks so bad, been turned down by nearly 2 guys now who I really wanted to end up with...but CAN'T. Because of some stupid, ridiculous, REASON in which I cannot even find a good looking, perfect guy to be with! and NO I'm not going back to my ex whatsoever. Shit..wtf..UGH!!! MAN FML! I swear! People don't like me! Even my own existance and life does not like me, if that even makes sense...o_0 GAHHH! IM ABOUT TO GO CRAZY! MICHYEOSSEO!! AGH! I'm so confused...I felt like I've done something wrong...But he tells me that I didn't do anything wrong...I feel all so lost on the inside, it's like as if the reaper escaped with my soul...and runs off somewhere with it, crushes it, then throwing it into a pitch black vortex that crawls slowly into a thousand dimensions. YEAH. CRAZY I know right? Gawd...and now he's telling me that he's been confused if whether or not he wants to be with anyone. THIS HASNT BEEN THE FIRST TIME PEOPLE. OMG. Somebody...just make me disappear somewhere..into a world full of peace, where I'm just all alone and happy being all alone with myself where I can just do anything I want...Well okay I'm lying..maybe 1 friend wouldn't hurt, and maybe a couple of guys...chicks...damn nevermind I don't even know where I'm going with this. __________________________________________________________________
ONLY 2 WEEKS AND NOW ITS OVER...FUCK THIS SHIT. I'm DONE. Guys can be such assholes I swear. They charm you then they break your heart like you're a little no good for nothin'. SINGLE. PEACE.
♥ My World My Life
3:47 AM
♥ Tuesday, February 9, 2010
Currently: Asking for the Impossible..
So today...I looked like krap...Only because..I don't know really o_0 ...But what I do know...is that this is a hard battle to fight against...I hate it when I fall for somebody...I hate when I can't control my feelings when I need to...I just simply HATE IT especially when I'm at the edge of falling for somebody who's out of my league, and sooo cute and good looking...but he won't return the same amount of feelings back :( ... I thought ..that we had something...at first..I thought we had something going...until...he started acting like he was losing interest in me..which I probably wouldn't blame him or doubt him about...Not to mention, as the days go by, tensions are rising...What the EFF did I do to myself?! Like seriously? At this time?? Can you wait until later to screw up my relationship instead of now when I'm about to catch up for the ACT, AP Exam, AND in my Art Classes?!?!?! Holy shizzzz...Ugh..I told myself to just go with the flow...but it seems like my competitve side just keeps jumping out...Gawd..she's good, but what I said today...It was the truth 0_0 But..I guess I won't blame people or anybody else but only me...if she wins....HEY ANYWAY. I just feel hopeless at this moment in time..I think he's losing interest in me already...What the hell...He's not even replying to my IMs..... =[ =[ =[ =[....Man..I think my heart is gonna be broken REAL soon...Ugh...I don't know what to do anymore..just wish I could restart another life...Ugh Ugh Ugh Ugh Ugh.....Kill mee please....____________________________________________________________
Omg lmao..I'm being a bitch right now...and it feels nice xD It FEEELLSS GOOOOOD. I'm hardly ever one, unless you give a reason to. If you start messing with me, i'll attack you....with words!!! I don't use violence, violence is for men, and people who got nothing else to do and people who don't think before they act lol sorry to say if I offended anybody. LOL. But this is making me feel better, because I'm in the most shittiest mood ever I'm gonna be a bitch...I'm not gonna care what happens..
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Pt. 3 -____-Soo...I guess now I truly understand why he's acting this way.....AND DAMN IT. I knew I should've gotten to know a person better before I started dating them =/ ....I mean now it all sorta makes sense, unless he's lying to me. But I don't think he would....So basically...the reason why he doesn't say much to me anymore ever since we met is because...he was happy that he finally got to see me again...and hearing those words "I love you.." were like music to my ears...I could fall asleep and wake up to those words...coming from him...But then he realizes he wants to see me more...but he can't because of the distance..therefore, he also discontinues saying the I love you part or just part of it ...because he doesn't wanna end up hurting himself like I already have...because he could do that if he got "too attached" or accidently fell for me during the wrong time...and now he doesn't know what to do because the distance is killing him...UGH OMG. WHY? WHY OH WHY?! I feel the same damn way too but I can't do anything! WTF. IDK IDK IDK OTTOKE?! My heart is pounding hard..so hard that it's literally shaking and moving my body along with each heartbeat..my hearts feel like they've got a fever...my face is starting to turn warm...I'm shaking...I don't know what to do...I just wish I could see him more... AAAGGHHHH FML!!! This day...ugh this shitty day needs to go away...I don't neeeeeeeeed another day like this..screw life...screw everybody in it...UGH. Send me to a peaceful place now.... ): F*** IM GOING TO BED UGH.
♥ My World My Life
2:55 PM
♥ Monday, February 8, 2010
Currently: "Dealing the Cards"
So what if I was to say I toughened up a bit, and changed the way I've been acting? Not changing who I am...but what if I was also to say that maybe it's possible that either fate or destiny chose the fact that I should not date anybody until I find the right guy in college? I don't know what this means, but I'm trying to play against the cards right now. Basically at this moment in time, I feel very confused and lost as to where I am right now. As a matter of fact I'd rather be the nobody like I used to be and not get the attention from any guy or anybody unless it's some accomplishment that I've earned the attention for, such as for my talent. I don't feel like my relationship at this moment in time, is gonna go anywhere farther because I don't even see him much in person and it just sucks. I got "called" out twice by my ex bf AND ex best friend, looks like I don't even care about that anymore I'm just simply going with the flow and doing what I need to be doing. Sometimes I just need time alone to think about what I have done and fix it in a matter of time. Last Monday, after looking back at the old novel that I had written back in Freshman year, it made me wonder where that side of me has gone..It's like I don't even give a shit about anything anymore, and I really don't know what I want. Is this whole relationship thing holding me back? Hell, I hope not. Usually I know to be stronger than to let these things get to me. But now I feel like a lazy ass dipshit. I should start changing that. I really need to get going. Whatever floats the boat for my relationship I'm willing to go on with that, and not having to worry about it. Same thing as for school and anything else. I'm about to fight back with whatever force coming at me, and I'm ready. It's time for this chick to get on and get moving. It's just all about the matter of dealing the cards, if life plays one card, then it's chosen to be that way, if I chose a card that counters it, then that's how it should be, if I was the one who lost, then this battle will continue until the day I die.
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Supposedly, I'm a person who gets really depressed at one point, but can't stand it much longer, therefore,...I just start smiling randomly again..even when I shouldn't be smiling cause there's nothing to be smiling about =/ I just feel like crying at this moment...I think it's because...I've really started to like him..I don't know what to do..I don't know what to do with my feelings..It doesn't even seem like he's that interested in me..that much...But I'm not sure...I'm not sure about anything anymore. I'm also a person who makes sacrifices also..especially when it's necessary...Even though I know that it won't make me really that happy anymore if I make sacrifices..but in order to move on in life..I have to..I have no choice but to do so. I just feel so depressed right now..and sad..I really wanna cry but I can't because I guess it's not necessary to. But I guess it's just better to smile and pretend like everything's okay...
♥ My World My Life
1:46 PM
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YAYYY!!! ANOTHER NO SCHOOL DAY!!!! WOOOOT! BACK TO BED! UPDATES LATER!
♥ My World My Life
3:12 AM
♥ Sunday, February 7, 2010
Currently: Blank & Wondering
Is there a you and I? If not, will there be? Currently, I feel like I want more,...but I don't feel like there's enough of that love going on...maybe because we don't see each other much :( I'm sorta sad about that...I want there to be an us..I really do. He's just simply so amazing..I don't know what to do..I don't know how to tell him...I don't wanna creep him out..I don't want him to ever let go because of some reason. I don't care what the reason is, I just don't want him to leave me! Ugh I'm starting to feel so obsessive already..But it's NOT obsession. I want us to be just more than..what we are now..Starting off to a point as to where our relationship grows deeper...I wanna fall in love with him..But so far, we don't see each other enough in order to do so..WTF UGH. My mind is gonna go crazy with al this crazy shit going on at the same time. Wth. School tomorrow too. Screw this. Night.
♥ My World My Life
8:57 PM
♥ Saturday, February 6, 2010
Currently: Still Surprised
I'm glad today didn't go wrong. I would've been screwed if things did go wrong lol...Things like, my parents finding me kissing my bf and holding hands with him...or maybe if my friend didn't show up because of some sort of situation, or if my parents had an "important" business to go to and I was forced to go or if some accident happened lol. I'm surprised that my parents left the mall afterwards, ...I thought they were gonna be going around shopping at the same time while I was there. So I'm glad they didn't catch me, or been around there or I would've been pissed. I'm still surprised that I was able to meet him :) Well I knew I would somehow and one day, but didn't think trying to get out of the house would happen oh so soon lol. Well things between my ex and I aren't going so well, and I think it's mostly because I'm not making it go so well. It's not my fault really...he was the one who hurt me first but oh well. That'd done and over with I'm happier now. So yeah. Buuut I had a great time today, got some great laughs with my family before and after the whole great experience, and some great laughs with my best friend after my bf left early too...and yeah he did leave early...I was a bit upset but I'm sorta glad though because if he hadn't left early I wouldn't have time to spend alone with my friend. lol Soooo yeah we kissed :) It was amazing. Now I'm just hoping to see him again, probably not possible for it to be soon anymore so yeah. I was being a bit aggressive today towards him too lol...mhmmm. But now I'm back to being stuck with studying for the ACT and schoolwork again...ugh *sigh*...Well today I'm too exhausted after walking around in the mall for like 3-4 hours...straight. Updates tomorrow.
♥ My World My Life
7:58 PM
♥ Friday, February 5, 2010
Current Mood: Tears Behind the Enraged Eyes..
I'm so god damn pissed right now. I don't even know what to say. There's so much that I wanna say, but I can't bring myself to say it all because there's SOOO much that I need and WANT to say but it'll all come out like a big BLAHLSKJDFWPOEIJFSL. So it went perfectly fine, today was perfectly fine...It was decent alright? No drama, no nothing, but just ran into some irritating people. But hey, my parents let me go to the mall tomorrow with my friend, and I'm going to meet my bf up there too...BUT My fuckin parents decided to tell me that they're gonna be there too, not hanging with us but still in the same place. They need to get off my back for once, I'm so tired of them not leaving me any damn privacy, I'm almost 17 for god sakes..I don't know what to do..I just feel like my life is so pointless, and useless at the moment because I can't do anything, this is really driving me insane. I'm going to see him tomorrow no matter what and that's final because I don't get to see him and this is my only chance to! I'm not letting anybody or anything get in the way of that. FML. I'm crying right now, but no one cares. Because I'm still independent..What am I to do? Am I doing the wrong things? I don't feel like I am, maybe I have been slacking off a bit on things, but I don't know anymore. I'm not even looking forward to tomorrow like I was earlier before till she fuckin told me she was gonna be int he same place as me. I'm done. Done with my parents. I'd rather die right now thanks. I don't wanna look at my future. No more.
♥ My World My Life
4:09 PM
♥ Thursday, February 4, 2010
Currently: Stressing On My Own
I knew that once I have found happiness, things won't be the same as much anymore. People are just critics, they won't leave you the fuck alone. Almost everybody tries to get in your way, even if it's not their exact intention to but still. Once I actually get happy, another thing pops up and ruins my mood for like the entire day. I don't know what this is, ...I just came back home today and started having a feeling that....things might not be able to work out the way I want it to..unfortunately =/ Well...only 1-2 more years...then maybe I'll get the freedom I want and need, or with more opportunities anyway. School work and screwing me around too..it's not even funny, if it's not other people, friends, or schoolwork, my parents stress me out even more about the damn ACT and AP Exam and shit..I'll do the best I can alright? I don't wanna promise anything, not most of the things ATM anyway. I was just called a slut & a bitch awhile ago, it's not even the fact that I care about what people call me or say about me, it's just the fact that people can't fuckin' learn to mind their own god damn businesses. Don't pay attention to other people's lives okay? You have a life, well maybe, but I sure as hell know that I do. People like that can go to hell. Everybody's a critic, it's retarded, I think that in some ways, many people can be so narrow-minded. I for one, I love meeting new people and talking to people, but if you give me a reason to snap and get pissed, I WILL get pissed and snap. I just feel so all alone and independent at the moment...My mom is even complaining now too, I can't stand this anymore, I don't even have family members that I can talk to or who I can be close to like as a best friend. Every body just left me basically. I'm on my own, stressing on my own. But it doesn't matter, I'll just learn to go through things myself. Thanks alot. I really don't see what the point in having a life or being given the life to live in this world means if you can't even do the things that make you happy. Even though my religion falls under Buddhism, but I'm just gonna go ahead and say this...If god put us in this world or created us in this world for a reason, then we must have a reason to be here and we should be able to be happy, if things were to get in our way all the time and stop us all the time from what we want to do there's no point in continuing our lives. That's just how I see it.. Such as..me for example. There's so many things I want to do, and want for things to happen, but the results come out as either it doesn't happen, it doesn't go as great as I want it to, or something stops it from happening. It happens all the time that I nearly just wanna lock myself up in a room, with the piano, a laptop, a lifetime of art supplies, videogames, and books. I'd rather have that, Thank you. Rather than going through this stupid shit thats unecessary to even exist as apart of my life. Anyway. Homework. Ugh. *rolls eyes*
♥ My World My Life
3:37 PM
♥ Wednesday, February 3, 2010
Currently: Wondering.."Why Me..?"
Blah...I honestly don't like lying..I don't even like lying to anybody at all. But sometimes it's necessary for me to do what I need to do in times like this. I mean..look at me now..sometimes I ask myself.."Is this really who I am?...Or is it because years have gone by and I've gone through so many bad experiences that it has literally changed who I used to be?" I realize the bad experiences..every time when I go through them..it feels like as if I'm the only that this is happening to...It feels like my road is like a long empty road with a dead end near the end..and bam, I fall down the cliff =/ Well..I've been stressing myself out too much lately anyway...I'm just hoping that I'll get at least Saturday...please...I beg of you...I got too much to be doing at the moment I need to catch up on what exactly I need to do...I can't let go and I can't back out. I wanna do this. I wanna continue with this until death separates me from doing what I need to do and staying with the people I wanna stay with...If you don't want me to continue with the things I'm doing...Kill me now.
♥ My World My Life
3:15 PM
♥ Tuesday, February 2, 2010
Currently: Smiling, No Matter The Consequences
So my mom came home pretty early today, and I'm guessing she will be staying home tomorrow too. She looks pretty weak, tired, and lacking some weight to her ever since she came home from the procedure. Poor mother, I hope she feels better...Although...the doctor didn't find anything..=/ & I just hope that dumbass er...I mean one hell of a doctor did not lie to us about the results...because his attitude really pissed me off yesterday, and he's still on my nerves a bit too. Today while in the car with my dad, ..he asked me why hadn't I ask about my mom's health and etc..and he didn't believe my reason, he thought that I truly didn't care or love my own mother...But I still do..sheesh just because I didn't ask at the moment it doesn't necessarily mean I don't love her anymore or any of that stuff..I just got my own timing...but I guess it was sorta wrong of me..=/ Ehh well, at least there's nothing wrong with her..OR AS the bas- I mean doctor says. :) I'm glad today went well with parent teacher conferences, everybody said positive things! HEHEHEHE >=] I'm glad, my dad probably allowed me to go out Saturday because of that. Buuuuuut,...that's only if my parents aren't workinggggg first of all, and if at least 1 of them will be home to take me (BUT IM HOPING THEY WILL NOT BE COMING ALONG OR STALKING ME OR ANYTHING LIKE THAT) Ugh I'd be screwed. To be honest, it's because I'm hoping to introduce my best friend to my bf...and I wanna see my bf! UGH. People..and other obstacles always get in the way of me trying to do things lol. But well, I'm about to go to bed soon, my eyes look terrible lol. Peace!
♥ My World My Life
7:33 PM
♥ Monday, February 1, 2010
Currently: Feeling like Bashing on Rude people (lol)
This is a no brainer, but now I just realized that the complications I go through life are there for a reason. It's for me to grow stronger, grow more mature, learn more, and learn how to get through these things myself. Pshh I don't need my parents to support me ALL the time you know? Well I'm starting to grow more anxious in my current relationship right now...It's only been a about a week since we've gone out, and YET I still feel like it's been forever since we've last seen each other (which it has, but he's seen me for a couple of seconds past couple of weeks ago) AND it also feels like foreverrrr until we're actually gonna see each other again. I really don't feel like asking my parents to get out of the house this weekend whatsoever..But I'm gonna have to try, even if it means I might not be able to see him...but..man..Damn parents gotta be so freakin' strict. =/ Ugh makes me wanna gag. Even worse than my ex dating that one chick...OKAY well maybe not THAT extremly gag worthy lmao but yeah...still a pain in the ass to deal with though T_T ...CAN'T WAIT TILL I'M AN ACTUAL ADULT! SHEESH GOD DAMN IT. Lmao I won't be homesick for a long ass time. xD Harsh..haha. But yeah my lovely friend wanted to see if I could get out this weekend, to go to the mall with her and maybe it could be like a double date kindaaaa thing..Idk how we're gonna plan this out but I gotta see how conferences go first....OH DAMN conferences this week -__- I just realized...and REMEMBERED. The only chance I got to ask my dad for sure, is tomorrow...which is also the day when my mom gets her internal stomach checked up and then CONFERENCE for me...ugh...Man I just hope I still don't have a C in English...or I'd be screwed. & then I don't know what the hell my teachers are gonna be saying to my dad..I'm just blahh...Whatever lol. Even so, I'll figure out something soon, because I have to kiss him before our 1 month anniversary comes lmao..Or that'd be really sad... :( Extremly sad...UGH. I WANNA kisssss him soooo baaaad. Haha not trying to sound like a freak :D But anyway...earlier I don't know what in the world my mom was thinking but she called her doctor to have him talk to me on the phone about her medications, and supposedly that's the doctor that she already met to talk about doing the procedure for tomorrow. He's such an ass ...Like after reading to him what the medication said..because my mom took the wrong medication..He was like "She took it?" "& I said "yeah" (but I was honestly thinking in my head "ass....") lmao. Then he told me that she'll be fine as long as she drinks liquid blah blah blah and I said "alright.." then I gave the phone back to her because I had NOTHING else to say whatsoever..then he told her the same thing, and then just hung up on her while she was saying "Thank you Doctor" and I was like thinking "OMG HE'S SUCH A D*CK! WTF WAS THAT." I'm sorry, but no matter who, or what the hell you are (lmao) I just think that people have no right to be rude to other people like that..especially when you're a doctor and you're like that to your patients...I really don't give a fuck about what their excuses might be because I really have a strong passion of dislike towards people who are rude. As a matter of fact, I told my mom that I think he's racist because of the fact that I'm sure he got annoyed when my mom handed me the phone so I could tell him what the back of the medication said since my mom can't speak English well..& then he probably now thinks that my mom is "dumb" or "retarded" for taking the wrong medicine by accident EVEN when it wasn't her damn fault! (It was actually the person who worked at the store that handed my dad the wrong medicine, and then my mom hadn't realized she'd taken the wrong medicine until later) Well you know what? If anything goes wrong tomorrow, or if he starts being an ass about things, I sure as hell hope that my dad goes off on his ass, because I'll just be laughing after I hear it. His ass deserves it. I'm sorry. Ugh people like that truly disgust me. ANYWAY, I finished reading the chapter I was supposed to for English and finished (not all the way) questions for that chapter as well, but only did part of my math homework because I didn't understand the rest. lol. But I'm exhausted, I'm gonna go watch shows now lol PEACE :)
♥ My World My Life
6:12 PM