Currently: Smiling on the out, Rotten on the in..

I feel like I have no more love to give...if it was called love anyway...Why did he get so confused all of a sudden? He said I didn't do anything wrong, ...I guess I believe him on that part...But I feel like I want to believe him for the main reason...but at the same time...I've been told the same reason before in the past..well..from a big jerk and liar anyway...I feel like I can't go along with the reason..Maybe because I'm still not able to get over it...He's doing just perfectly fine without me...He says he wants to keep me close but wth am I supposed to do. Guess it's just time to start flirting with other guys, I bet that in a couple of weeks or so or in the next month, he'll have interest in another girl and then go out with her. I already told him that...well not exactly in those words but along those lines..and he told me not to look at the future...Wth is that supposed to mean..Well..he's my buddy now, just might as well be close to him...because you know how it's like this..when you have feelings for a person..and then you feel like you can't get rid of the feelings and move on if you're going to be close with that person, but then again, since you have these feelings, you feel like you don't wanna let go...Shit I hate these feelings, I've been through them before, and now I doesn't even really effect me that much anymore. I think he deserved better than me anyway, we hardly had anything in common, nor did we talk much =/ that was the sad part that I never pointed out to anybody... ): But you know..life is life and you gotta move on..Maybe I'll find myself a good looking guy in college :D :D That I will "fall in love" with..yeah haha nowadays people just throw the word around 'love' like it's something easy to gain and find. Pssshh. I have to admit I was foolish enough back then to throw that word around too. I'm still foolish...foolish to even think that I was planning on falling for him..GAH. He made me think that he really liked me too =/ well maybe he did..but I don't know anymore, I don't want to know...I don't feel like talking to him anymore..well in the meantime anyway.. I still feel guilty for some odd reason...maybe I'm not good enough..GUYS ARE JERKS. =[ =[ =[ =[ What did I ever do...& of course I'm not gonna beg him because I don't beg...but I really wish we were together again...Damn..oh well. But how would he react if I had gone out with somebody else..? HAHAHAHA I can't believe my mind is thinking about it...but that would be HELLA wrong of me. I will be judged by many ppl for sure, even my best friends. Might as well stay single for the rest of the year. This is a good time...for me to listen to "Because of You" by After School =/

(School time) -__- Last day of the week, thank god.

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I wish you would leave my mind...

I don't want to have to think of you through these times...

I wish I would've never thought I would start gaining feelings for you...

Until you forced me to give you my heart....

Why is it me..

Why is it that I'm always the victim of this nearly non-existance thing..

called love?

My heart...

Just feels like it's slowly rotting and deteriorating away...

Just take my heart away...Take it for good...

Don't come back...

I thought we were gonna get far...

But obviously...

Our mind "changes"

I wish we would just forget about each other, ....

And forget the time we even met...

Including back then...

Thanks..

My heart is aching,

Now I feel sick and just want to throw up all of our memories and feelings,

and clean it all away,

That way I won't have to deal with it again..

I hate you...

I hate myself...

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Damn. I hate dealing with all of this emotional junk. I can't wait to get out of high school..for good. AH! I DON'T KNOW WHAT I WANT ANYMORE. I'm not even doing good in Art anymore! WHYS THAT?! I just freakin' nearly failed my math test today! UGH WHYS THAT?! Oh wait..nvm I know the answer to that one. Cuz I didn't study T_T...Man I just wish I wouldn't worry so much about being in a relationship with somebody, it pisses me off. I'm so glad I talked to one of my close guy friends...ahhh it feels good..I mean it makes me feel better about myself especially when I'm dealing with a guy and talking to your close guy friend really helps alot..because they would know 0_0. Lol. So I told him all of the issues that I keep worrying about so much...I'll list 'em... : 1. Our trust towards each other, 2. Him possibly liking another girl, 3. Him thinking of dating and being with another girl, 4. Lying to me, so that he won't "hurt" me, 5. After he met me, I mostly didn't meet his standards (I'm not the one for him, I wasn't as he had expected.."the perfect girl" etc.) 6. I must've screwed up somewhere in the relationship (most likely not..) 7. If whether or not last night was a break up or a break, 8. If whether or not we'll have a chance again, 9. He could've lost interest in me...AFTER A MONTH OF ALL THAT TALKING AND COMMUNICATING?! Sorry, overreacted.  but...YEAH there's more, but my mind doesn't want to think, I just want to focus on the novel that I'm writing right now. HEHEHEHE. It's been awhile since I wrote novels...all the ones I wrote in the past are all INCOMPLETE. Yes people, I'm a novel writer :D But...anyway...my friend told me I was worrying a bit too much..and that it's tough to deal with these kinds of things...so I should just go with the..flow 0_0 pretty much.. I Hate that because it's hard to do that! Ughh I don't wanna remember all of the times...I don't wanna remember how we began started talking to each other again..aw man I feel sick ): Somebody shoot me now...that feeling was a really good feeling..GAWD WAT THE EFF. SHOOT MEE.