"I am now just only a girl to you"
Ahhh...my cousin is lucky...I guess when it comes to both of our lives, I can't really say that she has it more easy going, actually, yes she does -_- but on the other hand she runs into the same things that I do too...which is why we understand how each other feels so much. I guess you can call it a bad/good thing. Weird. I mean, her parents let her out more than my parents do, she has a bf, she has a life, she can hang out with her bf and see him everyday. ME on the other hand, I'm going starting to go back to the old middle school days where I'm just lonely, quiet, independent, bf-less (lol), non-popular, non-social, just being the original nerdy self that I used to be. I guess it's not all that bad, it just means I can finally start focusing on more important and better things, right? I mean ever since I got into high school, I guess you can say that I abused the fact that I DID know sooo many people that I let my popularity get to my head. Not to mention I've never had that many guys clinging all over me like that either, so I let that get the best of me too, and now that I think back i just feel like a fool just "desperate" trying to look for a guy that will love me and whom I will love. Ridiculous right? Call me crazy. I just need to enjoy life the way it is set out for me right now, I don't really need them to calm my nerves and soothe me of my worries when...I can just be strong and do it for ME rather than others. Plus...he wasn't referring to me anyway =/ Which I am embarrased for that but I kinda knew and figured that it wasn't me. I'm just so glad I let all the other guys in the past go, I'm just soooo glad, I cannot stress that enough, it feels like the burden and weight and lifted off of my shoulders miraculously!! :D It's like I'm a totally brand new person, starting over, and into the new world!! Wow that sounds so corny. I guess I really haven't had anyone to talk to about my feelings...I don't have anyone anymore honestly, this is the only place I feel that my privacy won't be invaded, nor will anyone I know or knows me that will judge and pick on me for the things I say and how I feel. This blog is truly 100% honest and straight from my heart. This is the only place where I can only truly express all of my feelings and actually feel better about it! I guess that's why I've been blogging a lot more lately since I don't have anyone to talk to really...WELL Since he's gonna be gone the rest of July, I guess I'll be hanging out with Auntie and my Father after I come back from my trip, so it's all good. I have people to hang out with...I just...there are just some that sometimes I don't feel like hanging out with as much as my nice and good nature comes in...I just don't know what else I want. I wish there's just gonna be one day...where I'm proud and truly honest to say "I wish nothing would change, because I'm happy the way things are now" .....YEAH. Only a miracle would occur if THAT happened T__T I mean...my life and I are just sooo imperfect you just have NO IDEA. If I wanted things my way....then I guess I'd be the happiest girl alive...but...you can't always get whatchu want. By me saying that, I'm just being selfish really. I'm pretty much rambling on about nothing haha...I guess...I don't even know what to say or what I'm saying exactly anymore...Point is,....this is kinda it...Not necessarily there yet I guess but I'm predicting that it will soon be...2011...what will you bring me? I have to be ready, I have to be prepared to stand up against ANYTHING. So yeah this IS kinda it...I gotta be ready to control my feelings and just let go and admit the fact that whatever happens, happens, and that I can't change that or anything else. Trust me, if I had the power, I would change things, but then again that wouldn't be fair to the rest of the world and that's just me being and thinking selfish again. *long sigh* I'm almost at the breaking point where I'm just pretty much done with everything and just wanna start all over, like ...erasing my memory and just starting over from the beginning. Bleh 7 more days 'till I leave. I'm not talking to them for awhile so yeah. It could be a month, or 2...or longer...Well, I hope you two have the best of luck I guess, have a great life and hope you enjoy your life with the girl you love. I'm ready to tackle any obstacles that get in my way. This time, it's not for love, it's for me and my life. No more fighting for love...because I just feel SO effin' stupid for making it seem like I'm waiting for him!!! Which I kinda was to be honest, but now...I'm gonna do it for my sake, because I need to get a better control of my feelings and STOP falling for people so hard and fast! It's a BIG issue that I gotta soon fix myself, so therefore, I'm gonna be single for awhile, NO MATTER WHAT. Plus I don't really feel like dating anybody anyway...I'm gonna turn down everyone for awhile. Doesn't matter if he's drop dead gorgeous either, he's gonna get the same answer as all the other guys really =/ It's gonna hurt LOL but I'm ready for it. He'll understand but I HIGHLY DOUBT it'll be someone drop dead gorgeous...0_0 No more waiting, it's just me, myself, and I. I'm gonna be ready...I will be ready....I AM ready...so bring it on.
*** I, vow, today, Saturday, the 26th of June, in 2010, at 11:04 A.M., that I will not date anyone until 2011.
With that said I WILL also continue to NOT date even if it is 2011 unless I am certainly 100% ready, and 100% sure about my decision***